Last night on the Apprentice, Audrey got fired after royally screwing up the creation of a miniature golf course. However, almost an hour before making her tearful exit, the busty real estate agent from Utah gave a speech that will live long in the memories of Apprentice fans everywhere (this is the Gothamist official transcription):

Chris, by no means did I come here for anybody to treat me or to talk to me as though I am a child! I, I am at where I am today because my parents both went to prison! I was left with nothing! My childhood was taken from me- everything was taken from me! I was living out of a car (begins crying). At 17 I had nothing! Nothing at all to my name! Nothing! I am where I'm at today because I have crawled and begged! As a child, girls hated me because I was beautiful! I wanted to scar my face because I was so beautiful! I wanted to be ugly so they wouldn't hate me! I have tried and tried and tried my entire life for people to just to accept me. And by no means is Craig going to sit in the boardroom, or are you going to sit in the boardroom, or John is going to say that I don't pull my weight. I do not fail!

There are times in every person's life that call for an impassioned monologue- for instance, when attempting to get out of a parking ticket, or breaking up with a significant other, or attempting to secure a spot on Apprentice Season 4. We humbly suggest that you print out this speech and memorize it- because you'll never come up with anything better than this. [Related: clips from tonight's show. Official Audrey bio, with startling fact- she made her first $15,000 by selling her parents house while they were in prison on a fraud beef!]