Are you relatively new to this fine metropolis? Don't be shy about it, everyone was new to New York at one time... except, of course, those battle-hardened residents who've lived here their whole lives and Know It All. One of these lifers works among us at Gothamist—publisher Jake Dobkin grew up in Park Slope and currently resides in Brooklyn Heights. He is now fielding questions—ask him anything by sending an email here, but be advised that Dobkin is "not sure you guys will be able to handle my realness." We can keep you anonymous if you prefer; just let us know what neighborhood you live in.

This week's question comes from one native New Yorker to another:

Dear Fellow Native New Yorker,

I'm married to a transplant that has made it "work" despite her origins. I've always found some of her habits cute, like her inability to sleep on the subway and wake up at her stop or wanting to engage people with full sentences filled with pleasantries. But recently we've had a child and I'm worried that he'll pick-up her habit of not folding her slice in half. She precariously balances it on her fingers trying to eat it flat all the while dripping sauce and cheese everywhere because it "rude" to lean into your meal.

Do you have any ideas on how to correct this behavior before the newest Queens native starts eating pizza like he's from Scottsdale?

Sincerely,
Worried Father

A Native New Yorker replies:

Dear Miscegenist,

Mixed-marriages are always going to be challenging, especially for the children. My parents came from opposite sides of Bronx Park, and the truth is that even after 40 years, I'm not really sure they've gelled. True communication is only possible between equals, you know?

But no one can control where they're born, and the heart wants what it wants. The best thing to do now is just to take it one day at a time, accepting your partner in the fullness of her being, despite her limitations. Eventually, after many years, she might learn how to hold a slice of pizza, and you might learn how to be less of a judgmental New York asshole!

And have no worries about the kids—the truth is that children these days pick up most of their habits and attitudes from their friends, watching You Tube snuff films, and sexting with strangers. The very limited impact either of you is going to have on them will mostly be gone by the time they hit high school, and by then pizza will probably come in tubes.

And hey, at least she's not from Jersey, right?

PS. My wife grew up in LA: please don't send this to her or I could really get in trouble!

Ask A Native New Yorker anything by emailing our Tips address here.