Every year we mourn the cutting down of yet another magnificent tree, seemingly innocent of any crime, yet slaughtered for tradition, celebration, and television ratings. But this year is different. This year there will be no mourning, because lemmetellya this tree from Danville, PA is kind of an asshole.
The 85-foot-tall Norway spruce has spent its long life in the yard of Dan Sigafoos and Rachel Drosdick-Sigafoos, who this week are celebrating the tree's death. Not celebrating in a New Orleans funeral parade kind of way, more like "Thank God this living nightmare is finally coming to an end," kind of way. (Note: we're paraphrasing here, the Sigafooses haven't actually believed in God since the tree's arrival on their property.)
This very tree, which they once welcomed into their yard as a symbol of their new life together, quickly became a living nightmare for the family, according to fictional sources we've fabricated to serve our strident anti-Christmas tree agenda.
"The tree always created scary shadows that went into my bedroom," 6-year-old daughter Lulu muttered timidly, staring at the tree. "It was very menacing," her father added, protectively pushing the emotionally scarred child behind him with a trembling hand. Lulu's mother reportedly believes the tree killed a bunny rabbit, three sparrows, a cat, an owl, and the neighbor's dog, all in separate incidents.
Unless this tree leaves some haunting spirit or demon spawn in their ground, which is actually very likely, their troubles will end tomorrow when it's cut down at 9:30 a.m. Following its execution, it will be strapped on to a flatbed truck—similar to Hannibal Lecter getting strapped to a gurney— that will bring it to Rockefeller Center. There it will be propped up, Dead Tree Standing, and on December 3rd tourists and musicians-similar-to-Justin-Bieber will surround it, unaware of the heinous crimes it committed on the Sigafooses.
Fun fact: Christmas trees are rooted in pagan custom and human sacrifice.
