Is there anyone more qualified to tell us how to party on the 4th of July, or really, on any day of the year? No. So we went straight to the source of fun and asked Andrew WK—performer, motivational speaker, and so much more—for his top tips on how to party this Independence Day. Free yourself from tradition and follow these party paths less traveled:
1. PARTY TIP: Explode your own eardrum.
The eardrum is one of the greatest drums in the world. It is also one of the most fragile and difficult to play. Fortunately, it doesn't take much to explode it. And the 4th of July offers many opportunities to blast out this tender membrane. The most appropriate for this holiday is of course, firecrackers. Place a Black Cat cracker above your ear (as you would a pencil), light the fuse and enjoy the burst! Or hold an M-80 in your hand and put it right next to your head and let 'er rip! You'll not only blow out your eardrum, but also destroy your hand, eye, hair, and cheek in one efficient explosion.
2. PARTY TIP: Over-bloat your gut.
Using the basic "eat quadruple" portion approach, fill your body with four times the amount of food you'd normally eat. You can help yourself achieve an even more over-bloated gut-state by drinking large quantities of water, milk, beer, wine, liquors, and sweet foaming juices. The more carbonated the beverage, the better the bloat. Mix wet bean and onion for maximum pressure. It's a wonderful feeling of abundance.
3. PARTY TIP: Get some animals whipped up into a frenzy.
Dogs love to prance. Birds love to dance. 4th of July offers a lot of yard time and most animals love yards. Get them going with moist meats, fresh grains, and red rubber balls. Pounce them, bounce them, and trounce their soft flanks with fleshy treat and softened wheat. Get the hounds to bray. Get the cats to pray. Get the birds to splay and flutter and cover the squirrels in butter. Whip these beasts into a chaotic tail-chasing frenzy!
4. PARTY TIP: Roll around the yard, grab a fist full of grass and throw it everywhere.
I wear all white clothes, all year 'round. And one of the main reasons is that white clothes showcase the hard-won stains of partying. 4th of July offers a lot of grass time, and few stains are more refreshing, vibrant, and aromatic than the stains of rich Kentucky Blue grass. Roll around in the yard and grab the grass by the roots. Slam it onto your skin and grind it into your eyes. Do knee slides and body slams until you're saturated with the bright colors of this grand summer holiday.
5. PARTY TIP: French kiss the inside of your own mouth.
It's great to kiss other people everyday. But it's something even more fun to do on a special holiday like 4th of July. However, why not take some time to show yourself a little intimate affection? It's the perfect day to run your tongue all around your soft, wet cheek-sides; your smooth sharp tooth-backs; your textured, slimy mouth-roof. Make out with yourself and party hard!