akrucoff_big.jpgThe Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
33 and still trying to figure out what I do exactly. Balled up all my belongings from Crofton, MD and rolled into Williamsburg in '95. All signs pointed towards a tidal wave of "something" about to crash on the shores of Kent Avenue so I moved out five weeks later. Been on the Lower East Side ever since.

Three Questions from Chris Gage
1. When you started the Young Manhattanite Interview did it ever occur to you that no one cares to hear your "voice" in those banal 3 for Thee?
My voice is a bad poem using the strictest definition of "bad." It is also a dedication to your mom's dog. A once playful dog that grew too big for its own good and row house backyard. Lazy, endlessly thirsty, smelling of urine and gas, big and hairy - I always loved your mom. That's how much I care.

2. You're a rising star on the Internet but have yet to actually be printed in ink and paper. Is this because you have barely enough talent to fill a reservoir tip and no offline publication could put your name on a masthead and expect to see a decent ad dollar again?
Well yes, but I have been in print. 1982, I was in the 6th grade and my teacher submitted two poems I wrote - "Unemployment" and "No Nukes" - to the Annapolis newspaper, The Capital. The Cold War quietly hummed its methodical tune in the background of our lives and a nation turned its lonely eyes to me. So here's to you Mr. Wilson, for getting me published. It's all been downhill from there.

3. When you retire from all this, move to Mexico to live with 16 yr old coke-addicted webcam girls, will you still be wondering why you never just cold-cocked Lockhart Steele?
I would prefer to "hot-karl" Lockhart than "cold-cock" him. If we are defined by our enemies then surely he comes out of this looking better than I do, which if you follow the theory, raises my own profile even more in a vicious fast Japanese spin-cycle and thus proving the Law of Diminishing Returns on Marginal Feudal Jokes and Indie Rock References. To put it simply, Guided By Voices beats the shit out of Phish any day of the week.

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Start me as a 15 year old in 1970 and I'd love to tear through that decade as a rock-n-roll embarrassment.

What's your New York motto?
It ain't over til my rent-stabilized apartment crumbles to the ground.

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
Jack Nicholson walking with the grandest swagger I've ever seen along W. 12th Street after shooting an "As Good As It Gets" scene.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
Do hungover thoughts of suicide count? Nah, I had the urge to go away and did leave for three months to travel around South America but I'm here for good. I've tied my sail to this here mast, I'm going down with her.

Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
Rehearsing my apologies.

What's the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
A $400 Commes de Garcon tweed jacket that apparently looks like it cost $20.

Where do you summer?
Worst question EVER!! Fuck you, asshole. I got your "summer" right here, pal!

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time? (Name up to three if you must.)
Thurston Moore, Kim Gordon, and Frank Serpico.

Just how much do you really love New York?
Working for Gothamist requires you to show your affection for New York on a daily basis in a way that can only be described by a leg-humping dog.

Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
Isaac Hayes in Escape from New York or any of the Tony Roberts characters in Woody Allen's films.

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I would ban discussions on real estate, shoes, and Jake Dobkin.

The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon, or the Red Sox win the World Series. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
You know, so many people have said "check my email" here that I should do my part and write them something with that time. (Dear Todd Barry...) Then with 10 minutes left, I'd like to be shot out of a cannon from the Williamsburg Bridge and into the East River. I've always wanted to do that.


This is Krucoff's last interview on Gothamist. The comments are open. Feel free to call him a douchebag or something really colorful!