FEMA and the FCC will be conducting a test of an emergency messaging system from President Donald Trump this afternoon. At approximately 2:18 p.m. Eastern Time, everyone in America with a cellphone will receive the first very special test message from the President. Here is a sneak peek at the presidential alerts planned for the immediate future (provided exclusively to Gothamist by the voices in our heads):
ALERT ALERT!!!! No, EXCUSE ME. Excuse meeee. Thank you. Wow, you're shocked I'm sliding into your phone now bing bing bing aren't you? RELAX. THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed. Seriously, do nothing. That is a direct order from the President and Commander in Chief of America's beautiful nuclear arsenal. Just huddle right there where you are, blinking numbly as the seemingly endless parade of horrors marches right over you. Nice, right?
If this had been an actual alert, you'd maybe have a few minutes left to text your red state relatives and brag about how you were right and they were wrong. But you're going to be as dead as them in a minute, so is that really a win? Go ahead, laugh like hell, the joke's on you. Ivanka and I are already up in the Mercers' shuttle flying to the Trump Space Force station, wave bye!
ALERT!!!!! I'm kidding, it was a joke, my God the VICIOUS AND DESPICABLE Democrats are going crazy. If this had been an actual alert, and not just me DM'ing you at 5 a.m. to say "REMEMBER THE MIDTERMS!" or share links to the Daily Caller, you'd probably be pretty scared right now. But don't worry, hush hush now, this is just a tremendous new way for me to talk directly to my people. And you are all my people. And there is no opting out, anywhere, EVER... I am always just a push alert away. And you know I like to push, it's really one of my greatest qualities, many people say.
ALERT!!!!! U up? This is your president, who unlike you doesn't drink to dull the pain and only sleeps five hours a night. I embrace my demons and give them plenty of room to go BUCK WILD. Aren't phones and trucks and technology amazing? Many people are saying these alerts are the best way to communicate in the history of communication. Fox and Friends is on in 45 minutes... I'll ALERT you when it starts.
ALERT!!!!! Oh and by the way, you can't reply to these messages. Should I make it so you can reply? What do you think? Maybe I will. But probably not. We'll see. For now it's just you and me, and your job is to drop what you're doing and LISTEN, and my job is to ALERT you to very big important things. Like the incredible jobs numbers and how much Melanie loves helping poor losers in shithole countries.
ALERT!!!!!!!!! Fun word to say, to be perfectly honest. You've got Al—everybody loves Al, I had a bodyguard named Al once, or maybe that was a song, I don't know—and then you get to say ERT! which feels very powerful, believe me. It cuts right through. Everybody ERTs, that's what they say right? ERT ERT ERT ERT!!!! We're having fun.
The very first very presidential alert hits cellphones everywhere at 2:18 p.m. ENJOY!
(P.S. ALERT!!! NO COLLUSION)