I will not see Star Wars: The Force Awakens until tonight, but I already have some Opinions, based solely on several trailers, television spots, and my instinctual gut. Here is my review.

There do not appear to be any child actors in this film, so it is already better than The Phantom Menace.

Han Solo no longer looks like this, so it is already worse than The Empire Strikes Back.

Carrie & Gary Fisher's press tour has been a thing of beauty, so this film is already better than all films that have ever been made.

George Lucas said "fans are going to love" The Force Awakens but did not appear to have a strong opinion of it himself, which means it's already better than the prequels.

Still, no young Han Solo. This film can't be that good.

On the other hand, Hayden Christensen isn't in The Force Awakens (is he still alive?), so it can't be that bad.

There are more than two female characters in this film, so it is better than the original trilogy from a feminist standpoint, if not a technical one.

J.J. Abrams made Star Trek, which was pretty good, so this is probably good too.

But J.J. Abrams also made Star Trek Into Darkness, so maybe not.

Everyone appeared to be drunk at the premiere this week, so it is either good OR bad.

Again, no young Han Solo.

On the other hand, Jar Jar is dead.

Four stars.