Left for dead in Florida and Nevada, Rick Santorum won all three contests last night in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, sending warning signals from Mitt Romney's CPU to the mini replica of the 2001 monolith that stands in for the candidate's heart. At his victory speech, Santorum said he wasn't aiming to become "the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama." more ›

In today's Presidential capitulation triangulation news bulletin, the Obama administration has signaled that it will rethink a law that would require insurance plans offered by Catholic universities and charities to provide women with birth control without charging them. “We’re going to look for a way to move forward that both provides women with the preventative care that they need and respects the prerogatives of religious institutions," David Axelrod told MSNBC yesterday. "To turn it into a kind of political football to take advantage—to try and capitalize that isn't going to make it easier to resolve that issue," Obama For America's football coach said without a hint of irony. more ›

Because a guy named "Brad" is in the office today, the country has been graced with Mitt Romney's tax returns. They show that in 2010 the candidate earned $21.7 million, and paid $3 million in federal taxes, for an effective tax rate of 13.9%. Romney also gave $2.98 million to charity, $1.5 million of which went to the Mormon Church. Reuters also reports that Romney closed down accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans that year "after an investment advisor decided it could be politically embarrassing to Romney." more ›

What does Newt Gingrich's 12% win over Mitt Romney in South Carolina mean? Even if Gingrich doesn't have Romney's war chest and organization for Florida's primary on the 31st, his momentum is snowballing in the state's print media, and this morning Romney admitted he made a mistake in declining to release his tax returns, and said he will make them available on Tuesday. “We made a mistake in holding off as long as we did,” the candidate told FOX News, noting that he pays a "substantial" amount of taxes. Still Gingrich can point out that in terms of percentage, he pays double what a member of the 0.01% does. more ›

Like a certain prurient Congressman, drunk on power and thirsty for alternatives, the South Carolina electorate has spurned their betrothed for the powdery jowls of another. Newt Gingrich is currently leading Mitt Romney ahead of today's GOP primary, 37% to 28% according to the PPP. In related news, we're taking the rest of the day off to close the deal on some Moon Condos. more ›

At Monday night's GOP presidential debate, Newt Gingrich defended his plan to put poor children with poor "work habit" to work as janitors in their schools, using New York City's decadent custodians as an example of excess. "New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids," Gingrich said. "That's ridiculous," Robert Troeller, president of Local 891, a union for the city's school custodian engineers says. Maybe, but at least kids are too tiny to organize! more ›

Ahh, South Carolina. From its racist, lionized politicians to its well-informed citizenry, the Palmetto State is a bastion of a bygone era many of us are happy to have never lived in. At last night's GOP debate in Myrtle Beach, sponsored by FOX News, the candidates pandered mightily to the raucous audience to give them what they wanted: blood. Specifically, sweet, sweet Mormon blood. more ›

Less than a week before South Carolina's Republican primary, Ron Paul is currently polling third behind Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. He's risen six percentage points in the last seven days according to PPP, and now he has sewn up the crucial "Fiscally Conservative Pimp" vote. Dennis Hof, who owns Nevada's Moonlite Bunny Ranch, tells CNN, "If a client comes into the Bunny Ranch and says 'I'm pimpin for Paul,' they're gonna have a really good time." Presumably this refers to the sense of purpose one feels by being civically-minded shortly after expensive, soul-shattering coitus. more ›

We all cringed at the recently-released montage of nail-biting car crashes in New Jersey caused by drivers who run red lights. The company who provides the most red light cameras in the country, American Traffic Solutions, noted that 11 people were killed in the state in 2009 as a resulting of red-light running related collisions. But Monmouth County assemblyman Declan O'Scanlon believes that they're a scam. "They're ATMs in reverse—your money goes in and it never comes out," the Republican tells the Star-Ledger. more ›

It's the night of the Iowa Caucuses! Everyone run downstairs and look at the Caucus Bush and marvel at how resplendent it is with Super PAC money and tears! At 1,774 precinct stations across the state, registered Republicans will gather at 7 p.m. CST to argue whether Mitt's hair is sexier than Rick Santorum's sweatervests. Polls have Santorum neck-and-neck with Willard Romney, and the man who runs America's most Fair and Balanced resource for on-air errors wants you to "think" about Rick. "Can't resist this tweet, but all Iowans think about Rick Santorum. Only candidate with genuine big vision for country," Rupert Murdoch tweeted. Wow! It's almost as if Santorum once worked for FOX News. more ›

Yesterday, Newt Gingrich inexplicably took his working class rage over his increasing irrelevance in the Republican primaries out on Mayor Bloomberg, marking a line in the sand between those people who "buy the mayorship of New York" and those with $1.5 million worth of credit at Tiffany's. But that's no big deal to Hizzoner, who brushed aside the comment when asked by reporters yesterday: “Did he say something?" One source put it even more bluntly to the Post: “I don’t think he gives a s---.” more ›

Smelling the blood emanating from Ron Paul's Pamphletgate Redux, Mitt Romney is closing in on the Good Doctor's lead in Iowa one week from the primary. In addition to his $1.1 million ad buy, Romney's bringing out the biggest gun in his arsenal to seal the deal: New Jersey governor Chris Christie, who will be appearing on radio shows and perhaps even at stump speeches. But will that be enough to paper over the fact that Mitt Romney is a cyborg created by a race of lightly salted water crackers from the planet Carrdon, sent here to study and infiltrate the human race? Consider the evidence. more ›

Whether it's refusing to use a national tragedy as a xenophobic soapbox, keeping their genitals out of the public eye, or nobly declining to have sex with prostitutes while wearing diapers, we can always count on our elected representatives to put aside petty differences and do what's right for America. But shocking new data shows that Congress has lost touch with average Americans and has grown richer over the last several decades, at a faster rate than even the richest 10% of the country. more ›

Though the sun is shining here in the Commonwealth of Virginia, it shines not for Newt Gingrich, as he failed to submit the 10,000 signatures necessary to appear on the GOP primary ballot in March. Gingrich had promised that he would deliver the signatures himself by Thursday's deadline, but he now joins every candidate besides Mitt Romney and Ron Paul, in failing to appear on the ballot. "Winning campaigns have to be able to execute on the fundamentals," senior Romney advisor Eric Fehernstrom gloated to the Times. "This is like watching a hitter in the World Series failing to lay down a bunt." Or like buying the Scottie tag charm without the dog bone charm. more ›

[Aaaand the Republican faction caved. Update below.] President Obama and George Bush's mastermind Karl Rove are in agreement that the House Republicans are out of their freaking minds for blocking an extension to the payroll tax cuts enacted last year. Although 89 Senators voted in favor of the two-month extension, which affects about 160 million Americans, House Speaker John Boehner is going along with the hard-right fiscal Conservative monsters spawned by the Tea Party and refusing to call it to a vote. And thus, strange bedfellows have come together to try and shame the Republicans into passing the extension. more ›

Mitt Romney was on FOX News today to defend the negative ads the pro-Romney Restore Our Future PAC is running against Newt Gingrich. Presumably showing off some of the skills he displayed at an impromptu Comedy Cellar appearance he made in the city last week, Romney said, “If you can’t stand the heat in this little kitchen, wait until the Obama hell’s kitchen turns up the heat." Who knew the endless flow of corporate money reducing our electoral process to a shameless bidding war could be so funny? more ›

It's no secret that Mitt Romney is a wealthy man, thanks to the unmitigated success he experienced running Bain Capital. When confronted with the accusations that Bain made money off gutting companies of employees, Romney acknowledges that tough decisions were made for the good of the companies Bain restructured. “Sometimes the medicine is a little bitter, but it is necessary to save the life of the patient.” But according to the Times, Dr. Romney is still receiving profits from those patients thanks to prescient retirement agreement, "bringing the Romney family millions of dollars in income each year." more ›

Texas Rep. Ron Paul, once considered "Media Poison," is enjoying a resurgence thanks to the spectacularly abysmal GOP presidential field a string of good debate performances and his well-organized team in Iowa. According to a recent poll [pdf], Dr. Paul now finds himself a single percentage point behind Newt Gingrich leading up to Iowa's primary race on January 3. This has spooked Gingrich enough to hire a political consultant and possibly change his holiday plans to stick around the state, but Ron Paul's comments to Jay Leno on Friday that Michele Bachmann "hates Muslims" may give him some breathing room. more ›

Queens Congressman Gary Ackerman is demanding that Florida Republican and Tea Party Patriot Rep. Allen West apologize for comparing the Democratic Party to Nazis. “This is exactly the type of rhetoric that turns people off to Washington and getting involved in politics,” Ackerman tells the Daily News. “I call on Republicans and Democrats alike to join me in demanding an apology." Aw, c'mon. What did West say that was so offensive? "If Joseph Goebbels was around, he’d be very proud of the Democrat Party, because they have an incredible propaganda machine." Fighting "propaganda" with anti-semitic propaganda: do we have a new GOP presidential frontrunner on our hands? more ›

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie helped embattled Republican candidate Mitt "Crackers And Water, Thanks" Romney raise over $1 million at a fundraiser in Parsippany last night. But isn't Christie concerned with being associated with someone who'll be kissing Gingrich's Tiffany's ring come summertime? "If I were concerned about Newt Gingrich, I’d have had to be concerned about Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, and Rick Perry, all of whom held similar leads to the leads speaker Gingrich holds now over Gov. Romney in various states." Forgetting someone? more ›

It seems Donald Trump found the excuse he was looking for: after over a week of shaming and name-calling, Trump announced today that he would bow out as moderator of Donald Trump's Very Classy GOP Presidential Primary Debate. "So that there is no conflict of interest within the Republican Party, I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate...I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate," Trump hilariously wrote in a statement. At least he was able to get a plug in for The Apprentice! more ›

All eyes were on the Gilded Historian at last night's debate in Iowa, as the GOP presidential field took shots at their new frontrunner. Michele Bachmann said he made his living on K Street, the "Rodeo Drive of Washington D.C." Rick Perry cautioned, "If you cheat on your wife, you'll cheat on your business partner, so I think the issue of fidelity is important." And Mitt Romney even took a shot at one of the former Speaker's ideas, saying he disagreed with "his idea to have a lunar colony that would mine minerals from the moon," presumably because Romney's own race of insipid moon people have already developed extensive Saltine quarries there. more ›

Jay-Z has now joined his mentor Russell Simmons in his measured support for higher taxes on rich folk such as himself, telling CNN, "I wouldn’t mind paying more taxes if it went to the things that really mattered. If it went to education, people [in] poverty and if it went to the right things." He continued, “It should be clearly defined … where all the money’s being allocated. Because you can understand paying so much for taxes and then things not improving, you’re like, where’s everything going to?” We await the "Jay-Z for OMB director" campaign with bated breath. more ›

When Jon Stewart heard that Herman Cain would be suspending his campaign for president, The Daily Show host was despondent, depressed, and "losing all hope" that his job would ever bring him joy again. But then, like God closing a door and then opening a window to reveal "a circus peanut wearing a badger," news broke that Donald Trump would be moderating a Republican debate, with or without Mitt Romney. It goes without saying Stew Beef is stoked: more ›

Are you sick of all those boring, avant-garde political ads on TV nowadays? Ron Paul's team finally realized that they needed to boil out all his nettlesome Libertarian beliefs into a simple Declaration of Ass Kicking. Oh, but what about all those "bureaucrats" that will lose their jobs? Too bad. "That's how Ron Paul rolls." more ›