According to numerous reports, combover raconteur and enormous balled shepherd Donald Trump will announce who he is endorsing for president today in Las Vegas, two days before the Nevada caucuses. Initial reports indicated Trump would side with good pal Newt Gingrich, who stood by Trump during that whole Donald Trump's Very Classy GOP Presidential Primary Debate: The Debatening fiasco in December. But now CNN reports Trump will back Romney. Our one and only question: why does America give a shit who Donald Trump endorses?
Seriously: Why Does America Care Who Donald Trump Is Endorsing For President?
Report: Ron Paul *Did* Sign Off On Racist Newsletters
Congressman Ron Paul is currently placing third in the Floria primary polls, behind former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney (who is leading!) and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, but he got amused at last night's debate, when he said of Newt Gingrich's moon base idea, "I don't think we should go to the moon. I think we maybe should send some politicians up there." Less amusing is the Washington Post's report that Paul did in fact know that his newsletters contained racist content.
Newt Gingrich Lied About Offering Witnesses To Rebut "Open Marriage" Claims
Newt Gingrich's personal friends who were going to rebut his second ex-wife's "open marriage" claims were his daughters from his first marriage.
Obama's State Of The Union: Millionaires Need To Pay Fair Share Of Taxes (And Bin Laden Is Dead)
President Obama's third State of the Union address focused on economic fairness for Americans, with the president declaring, "It’s time to apply the same rules from top to bottom: No bailouts, no handouts, and no copouts."
Video: Newt Gingrich Mixes Up 7-Eleven And 9/11
Newt Gingrich makes a mistake during one of his 2003 speeches, but these days, his foreign policy is more dangerous than a little slip-up.
Chris Christie Calls Newt Gingrich An "Embarrassment"
The demure NJ Gov. Chris Christie is not known for speaking out brashly. So it came as a shock when Christie lambasted Newt Gingrich after his South Carolina victory over Christie's BFF Mitt Romney. "He was run out of the speakership by his own party,” Christie said on "Meet The Press." “This is a guy who has had a very difficult political career at times and has been an embarrassment to the party.” Embarrassment? What has poor old Newt ever done that could be considered embarrassing?
Newt Wins GOP Hearts By Attacking "Elite Media" Over "Despicable" Open Marriage Claims
Last night's GOP debate in South Carolina was notable for there only being four candidates left in the scrum (remember when Herman Cain used to be there?), but the true winner of the wintry evening was Newt Gingrich, who has been surging in recent polls for the state's primary as well as starring in The Real Housewives Of The GOP. When CNN debate moderator John King asked Gingrich about his second ex-wife's claims that he asked for an open marriage, Gingrich fired back, calling the question "destructive" and "despicable." "I am appalled you would begin a presidential debate with a topic like that. Every person knows personal pain ... I am astounded CNN would take trash like that and use it to open a presidential debate."
Protesters Will Greet President Obama In Harlem Tonight
While his first re-election TV commercials start airing in key states today, President Obama will be heading to New York City today to raise a little cash. Among the stops are Spike Lee's Upper East Side townhouse (someone is really excited!) and the Apollo Theater. Which means'll be wreaking traffic havoc on the Upper East Side (lots of street closures) and Harlem (as well as the Triborough Bridge and FDR Drive)—here's his agenda:
Video: Samuel L. Jackson Narrates Latest Stephen Colbert Super PAC Ad
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart continued their satirical assault on the ridiculous "loopchasms" in the Federal Election Commission laws on super PACs yesterday. The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC released a new attack ad narrated by Samuel L. Jackson, who warns voters to support Herman Cain and not that "East Coast Hollywood Elite who is exploring a run for President of the United States of South Carolina." Jackson has had just about enough of his shenanigans: “I have had it with these money-grubbing superPACs messing with our Monday to Friday elections.” After all, you can't trust a man with a silent "T" in his name.
Reports: Rick Perry Will Drop Out Of Presidential Race
He's trailing in the polls, he hates Social Security, and... and... oh, who cares: News outlets are reporting that Texas Governor Rick Perry is ending his presidential dreams.
Video: Obama's First 2012 Ad Attacks Koch Brothers' Attack Ads
Days after the Koch brothers'-funded PAC released an ad critical of President Obama and Solyndra, Obama's re-election campaign has released its first TV ad to fight back.
Videos: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert Hilariously Mock Super PACs
In case you still had any illusions about super PACs and how they're run, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert continued their satirical assault on the ridiculous "loopchasms" in the Federal Election Commission laws, and thoroughly mocked the hell out of them in segments on both comedians' shows last nights. First, Colbert visited The Daily Show to not-coordinate with Stewart on the latest attack ads from The Definitely Not Coordinating With Stephen Colbert Super PAC. He stated plainly to no one in particular through a cardboard TV screen: "Nation, I am calling on the Super PAC not to run vicious character assassination ads that impugn and borderline slander any candidate—if in any way those ads can be traced back to me."
Watch Mario Batali Feed Jon Stewart "Pre-Chewed" Food On The Daily Show
Last week Stephen Colbert handed over the reins of his super PAC—Citizens for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow—to Jon Stewart so that he could focus on exploring a possible run for "president of the United States of South Carolina." Election laws don't allow Colbert to coordinate with Stewart on how to spend all that money, so it's up to The Daily Show host to decipher Colbert's intentions from his public statements. And after watching Colbert's statements on "This Week," he deduced that the money would best be spent hiring Mario Batali to cook a delicious meal for him—and then pay double for the chef to "pre-chew" the food and deposit it into Stewart's gaping mouth. Yes, really:
Video: Colbert To Explore Fake Running For President!
As was expected, Stephen Colbert announced he was forming “an exploratory committee to lay the groundwork” for his “possible candidacy for president of the United States of South Carolina” on his show last night. And this fake presidential run is bound to be as serious and hilarious as Donald Trump's was! But before he could do so, he had to settle some business with his super PAC, Citizens for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow—and that's where Jon Stewart came in. Watch below.
Video: Will Colbert Announce "Presidential Run" Tonight?
Native South Carolinian Stephen Colbert—who spent a good amount of time in December trying to acquire the naming rights to the South Carolina primary (“The Colbert Nation Super PAC Presidential Primary")—has been flirting with entering the Republican race for quite awhile. But on his show last night, he took a step closer to sealing the deal after a new South Carolina Republican primary poll found him beating out legitimate candidate Jon Huntsman. “I’m sorry Gov. Huntsman. I guess the Colbert bump reflected off of you and bounced back to me. That happens in the rare instances when my guests are whiter than I am,” he said.
Ron Paul: I Am Not A 9/11 Truther
Ron Paul has been criticized in the past for his outspoken opinions on 9/11—at a GOP debate in September, Rick Santorum attacked him for a blog post in which Paul claimed terrorist attacks occur because the United States forcibly occupies foreign countries. But former Paul staffer and confidant Eric Dondero has taken things one step further, accusing Paul of being "the original 9/11 truther"—”When Al- Qaeda attacked our country on 9-11, Ron Paul told us the CIA was behind it. And that Bush and Cheney knew about the attack in advance," Dondero said, according to the Examiner. And this morning, Paul explicitly denied that accusation as "complete nonsense."
Video: Christie Warns Iowa To Vote For Romney, Or Else
The remaining Republican presidential candidates are pulling out all the stops to try to convince people they actually like one of them. Newt Gingrich has learned to cry, Ron Paul has harnessed the power of the Kelly Clarkson Nation, and Mitt Romney has now put all his eggs in one incredibly heavy, charismatic New Jersey basket. During an appearance in Iowa on Romney's behalf yesterday, NJ Gov. Chris Christie laid down the law with the crowd: "Let me tell you, if you people disappoint me on Tuesday, if you don't do what you're supposed to do on Tuesday for Mitt Romney, I will be back—Jersey style, people. I will be back."
Mayor Bloomberg Doesn't Really Care About Newt Gingrich
Yesterday, Newt Gingrich inexplicably took his working class rage over his increasing irrelevance in the Republican primaries out on Mayor Bloomberg, marking a line in the sand between those people who "buy the mayorship of New York" and those with $1.5 million worth of credit at Tiffany's. But that's no big deal to Hizzoner, who brushed aside the comment when asked by reporters yesterday: “Did he say something?" One source put it even more bluntly to the Post: “I don’t think he gives a s---.”
Gingrich Disses Bloomberg: He Bought His Third Term
It was only a month ago that Newt Gingrich arrogantly declared, "I'm going to be the nominee." Now, his campaign is going the way of the Cain Train, and he's grasping at whatever straws he can to try to get some momentum back. Just how desperate is he? He's inexplicably taking pot shots at Mayor Bloomberg.
Video: Mitt Romney Vows To Bring Commercials To Sesame Street
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney wants to win the Iowa caucus. He's been trying to relate to voters with awkward small talk but apparently a multi-millionaire management (ahem, "restructuring") consultant former governor of Massachusetts who thinks corporations are people is really desperate to strike a chord. Because yesterday he promised to put commercials on public broadcasting stations—and specifically called out Sesame Street.
Ron Paul Does Not Mind His Racist Supporters
Republican presidential candidate Rep. Ron Paul has a loyal base of supporters. We know this as a fact, because who else could inspire people to e-mail us things like, "Your article entitled '3 reasons Ron Paul [will never, ever be president]...etc' is complete garbage. Do you get paid to write that nonsense? Just wondering. Oh, did I mention you're a liar? Just checking." But now, as he emerges as an underdog favorite among those who hate big government, spending on the war, and pot persecution, Paul has to come face to face with charges of racism, in both his newsletters and supporters.
Chris Christie: Obama "Probably The Weakest President I’ve Seen"
New Jersey Governor, non-presidential candidate and Mitt Romney supporter, Chris Christie went on MSNBC's Morning Joe this morning and got right to business, dropping doozies left and right. To start, he dinged on host Mika Brzezinski for being in the "tank" for President Obama, then made some swipes at the President himself (including a few arguably false statements), all the while praising his man Mitt every chance he got. "My problem with the President is that he has not stepped up and led," Christie said, later adding that Obama is "probably the weakest president I’ve seen in my lifetime," and arguing that "I’ve had to face much tougher things in New Jersey from a political perspective than [Obama] has."
Giuliani Thinks Gingrich Is Reagany (Good), Romney Is Flip-Floppy (Bad)
In case his gushing admiration isn't enough to tip you off, Rudy Giuliani friggin' loves Newt Gingrich all of a sudden—and he's willing to go on every cable news show to sing his praises if he has to. Not that Gingrich is asking for it, mind you; as the Washington Post put it, "Gingrich needs Rudy Giuliani like he needs another marriage." But even so, Giuliani's gonna do whatever he can to help his buddy out—and that includes ripping on Mitt Romney: “I ran against him in ‘07 and ‘08 [and] I’ve never seen a guy change his position so many times, so fast, on a dime,” Giuliani said on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.”
[Update] Donald Trump Withdraws Himself, His Credibility From GOP Debate
It seems Donald Trump found the excuse he was looking for: after over a week of shaming and name-calling, Trump announced today that he would bow out as moderator of Donald Trump's Very Classy GOP Presidential Primary Debate. "So that there is no conflict of interest within the Republican Party, I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate...I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate," Trump hilariously wrote in a statement. At least he was able to get a plug in for The Apprentice!
Trump Desperate For Excuse To Drop Out Of His Own Debate
So much for the shaming tactic: Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann have now ALL dropped out of Donald Trump's Very Classy GOP Presidential Primary Debate. Facing the prospect of a mano-a-mano slugfest between Newt "Tiffany Historian" Gingrich and Rick "Please Don't Google My Name" Santorum, even Donald Trump himself is now looking for ways to get out of this debate!
Sarah Palin Tries To Shame Republicans Into Joining Trump Debate
When Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman proved they still had a shred of human dignity by refusing to participate in Donald Trump's Very Classy GOP Presidential Primary Debate: The Debatening, they inspired the ever-confused Mitt Romney into staging his own mini insurrection by also refusing to attend. But the powers-that-be have called in the big guns to try to shame their lost flock back to the enormous balled shepherd: "I think candidates should not be afraid in front of the nation no matter who the host of the debate is. What is a bit appealing about this idea of Trump hosting a debate is, consider the diverse audience that perhaps he can attract," Sarah Palin told the Fox Business Network on Wednesday.
Video: Obama Puts On His Populist Hat For Kansas Speech
President Obama got all populist in Kansas yesterday, in a speech designed to hark back to Teddy Roosevelt (who gave his New Nationalism Speech there in 1910). "This isn’t about class warfare," he said while trying to explain in Occupy-friendly language how his views differ economically from the Republican party. "This is about the nation’s welfare."
Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman REJECT Trump-Moderated GOP Debate
Not everyone was as overjoyed as we were when news came out yesterday that Donald "The Least Racist" Trump will moderate the GOP presidential debate in Des Moines on Dec. 27th. At least two candidates have proven they still have a shred of self-dignity, bowing out of The Apprentice: Ridiculous Posturing Edition: Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul. And Trump of course accepted the rejections graciously, calling Paul “a clown-like candidate” who like Huntsman has “inconsequential poll numbers or a chance of winning.”
LL Cool Cain: Candidate Launches "Women For Herman Cain" Site
In the wake of several allegations of sexual harassment, as well as a long-term affair, subliminal smoking advocate Herman Cain has been facing rumors that he will drop out of the presidential race soon. Yesterday, Cain shot back at critics that he had to discuss the matter with his wife Gloria, who he hasn't seen in person since before his alleged 13-year-affair with Ginger White came out. But today, the Cains showed solidarity by launching a new section of his campaign website run by Gloria: "Women For Herman Cain."
Donald Trump To Lend His Credibility To GOP Primary Debate
The 2012 GOP presidential primary race has been marred by scandals and buffoonery galore over recent months, including sexual harassment accusations, human gaffe machines, and Tiffany shopping sprees. Republicans need someone who can bring class back to the party—someone who understands when it's appropriate to let the f-bombs fly and who knows the proper way to eat pizza. They need someone who has "enormous balls." And to that end, professional used car salesman Donald Trump will moderate a GOP primary debate.

