They're all just thieving, gropey-handed perverts until they actually catch someone: TSA agents at JFK airport nabbed a 54-year-old man yesterday with a battery-powered stun gun, three "electric stun batons," an "electric stun pen," and pepper spray. According to the Post, Mohamed Hefni was waiting in a first-class lounge to board a Saudi Airlines flight to Riyadh when he was detained for the contents of his checked bag. more ›

With the demise of the worst aspects of the porno-scanners comes new hope for people who want to be treated like human beings when passing through airport security: We'll soon be able to keep our shoes on. "We are moving towards an intelligence and risk-based approach to how we screen," Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano tells Politico. "I think one of the first things you will see over time is the ability to keep your shoes on." Woo-hoo! Basic human dignity! However she noted that "one of the last things you will [see] is the reduction or limitation on liquids," meaning our pricey, extra-hold Staten Island-strength hair epoxy will still be thrown away. more ›

In a move that will no doubt frustrate passengers who are already tired of having their bodies exposed to radiation or their genitals groped, airport security is "expected to tighten" due to intelligence that terrorists are surgically implanting explosive devices inside their bodies. While White House spokesman Jay Carney stressed that this concept "is not at all surprising," and that the intelligence "did not relate to an imminent or specific threat," a source from the Department of Homeland security tells the Times that they have warned their foreign counterparts. If only there were some vague, Orwellian, color-coded system to get people scared about something like this... more ›

What kind of nation have we become when royalty like Miss USA 2003 Susie Castillo has to submit to the obscene vulgarities of airport screening? Is no one's junk exempt from degrading scenes like this? (Ask John Boehner.) In this tearful video (presumably shot by her chaperone), Castillo explains how her vagina was touched four times during a TSA patdown: more ›

At least nine private security guards have been fired by a Port Authority contractor for sawing wood when they were supposed to be patrolling the airport. The guards were union employees for Covenant Aviation Security, and were paid $16.99 an hour to patrol tarmacs, inspect vehicles, etc. Evening supervisor Ronald Denig and at least one other boss snapped photos of the dozing guards, who have filed a grievance with the union. The Post, in an exclusive report that features a classic photo of Denig looking the part, says that Denig also had his photo taken while napping, but he got to keep his job. more ›

Concerned about the TSA's new porno-scanners and enhanced labia-fondling pat-downs? Mayor Bloomberg says shut up and spread 'em. Hizzoner claims he even got a pat-down himself—before boarding a private flight in D.C. He described the experience as a reminder "that we live in a dangerous world" and told reporters yesterday, "We have to stop all this shilly-shallying and understand if you want to be safe on airplanes we have to make sure that we keep you safe. If you have a better idea, call Janet Napolitano. I'm 100% in sympathy. She wants to make sure we're safe." As do the TSA screeners, who would like you to know that they're not getting off on seeing you naked or touching your junk. more ›

The highbrow American media has been uniformly ignoring the widespread outrage over the TSA's new "porno scanners," but thankfully we have the Taiwanese Next Media Animation to report on this vital story that might have otherwise fallen through the cracks. It seems Americans nationwide are flying into "airport rage" over the TSA's Total Sexual Assault on travelers, who get a "patdown in a private room" if they refuse the full body imaging scanners. SPOILER: Al-Qaeda is pointing at our privates and laughing at us, y'all! more ›

While waiting on some interminable airport security line, between the waves of dread and loathing, do you ever wonder how much those TSA employees make? We've just learned that an industrious supervisor can earn $700 a day on top of his or her regular salary! At least, that's how much prosecutors say Michael Arato raked in on a daily basis taking kickbacks and bribes from a co-worker who stole cash from passengers' at Newark International Airport. more ›

Hope you've been getting into shape, because the new full body security scanners will debut at LaGaurdia and JFK airports in the coming weeks, a TSA spokesperson promises. Despite lawsuits raising privacy and health concerns, NYC will finally get the scanners, which have been popping up in airports nationwide. The Daily News reports that LaGuardia and JFK will be using the "backscatter" type of full body scanner, which uses low-level radiation to let TSA workers "see" through your clothes (but not through your flying pasties). Sure, it's creepy, but is it safe? more ›

TSA screeners will soon get an eyeful at NYC airports. According to the Post, full-body imaging scanners are coming to JFK and La Guardia in "the coming months." The virtual strip searches use X-rays or electromagnetic waves to detect weapons on 3-D images of passengers' naked bodies. The TSA began rolling out the machines at airports nationwide after the failed Christmas underwear bomber. They're currently in use at 133 airports, with plans to install about 1,000 by the end of next year, to the tune of $80 million. But besides the privacy violation, critics wonder if they're even effective. more ›

It's been public information for a while that the TSA has flagged snow globes as a potential security threat, but apparently people aren't getting the message. So at LaGuardia airport, they've got these helpful signs reminding you that if you expect to get through security, you're going to have to trash that adorable little snow globe you bought for Grandma. (If you have the foresight, you can also bring it in your checked luggage.) The TSA says the tchotchkes are prohibited not because the administration hates precious souvenirs, but because "they contain an undetermined amount of liquid." Their stance on potentially lethal garden gnomes and Statue of Liberty paperweights remains unclear. more ›

A Rhode Island man was arrested after trying to board a Jet Blue flight from Puerto Rico to Boston with "a stun gun, a pepper spray canister, four box cutters, and a switch blade knife." TSA screening noticed the items in Jose Pol's carry-on, and found "two lighters, six batteries, a button device attached to a wire that gives a charge when pressed, a flight simulator program, scissors, three boxes of matches, and New York city information cards" in his other bags. more ›

Full body scanners, we hardly knew you. An Obama administration official has reportedly stated that hand-swabbing will be the latest anti-terrorism technique put into use at airports nationwide. more ›

Inside sources suggest that it's not naps or kisses that are putting our nation's airspace in danger, but a "toxic environment" created by federal air marshals. More than 85 current or former sky cops in nearly all of the country's field offices have reported distractions from their anti-terror mission, in the form of "intimidation, retaliation, discrimination against women, minorities, the disabled [and] gays." Morale is low, and the agency is also dangerously understaffed. more ›

Sen. Charles Schumer called on airlines to stop servicing foreign airports with security practices that don't meet American standards, according to NY1. In a move he hopes will close the "gaping holes" in overseas air travel security, the senior Democratic senator wants carriers to report any security issues at foreign airports and threaten boycotts if measures aren't changed. more ›

In a harrowing report, CBS introduces us to yet another thing to dread and fear, courtesy of that innovative R&D team at Al Qaeda: Rectal bombs. It's been revealed that an Al Qaeda operative, who last month tried to assassinate Saudi Arabia's counter terrorism chief, detonated explosives in his butt. Abdullah Asieri had arranged a meeting with Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef to talk about a truce, but it was just a ruse to get close to him with his exploding ass. more ›

The Daily News reports that a dancer in the Alvin Ailey dance company was forced to dance "to convince Israeli airport security he was no Islamic terrorist." Abdur-Rhaim Jackson's first name aroused attention, and he explained that his father "converted to Islam and gave me this name." He also showed them a brochure with his photographs in it, prompting them to ask him to dance, "I was embarrassed, but I was afraid to do something wrong that may cause me to look suspicious." So he did and then was asked to dance again for another guard before being allowed to pass. Jackson said he would not formally complain, "We're only here to bring positive light to our lives and the people here." The Alvin Ailey Dance Theater is celebrating its 50th anniversary with an international tour and many other events. more ›

Another reassuring tale of airport security. At JFK Airport yesterday, an airport security screener was able to board a plane - without a ticket. Apparently the man wanted to go the United Arab Emirates to see off his parents, so somehow he managed to board an Etihad Airways flights without a ticket or boarding pass. And, according to the AP, "when the plane's doors shut, [he] told a flight attendant what he had done." We... more ›