Left for dead in Florida and Nevada, Rick Santorum won all three contests last night in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado, sending warning signals from Mitt Romney's CPU to the mini replica of the 2001 monolith that stands in for the candidate's heart. At his victory speech, Santorum said he wasn't aiming to become "the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. I stand here to be the conservative alternative to Barack Obama." more ›

In today's Presidential capitulation triangulation news bulletin, the Obama administration has signaled that it will rethink a law that would require insurance plans offered by Catholic universities and charities to provide women with birth control without charging them. “We’re going to look for a way to move forward that both provides women with the preventative care that they need and respects the prerogatives of religious institutions," David Axelrod told MSNBC yesterday. "To turn it into a kind of political football to take advantage—to try and capitalize that isn't going to make it easier to resolve that issue," Obama For America's football coach said without a hint of irony. more ›

Last night President Obama announced that he will join his Republican counterparts in suckling from the opaque, monied teat of super PACs. "Our campaign has to face the reality of the law as it currently stands," Obama's campaign manager Jim Messina wrote in an email to supporters. "We're not going to fight this fight with one hand tied behind our back," Messina added later. "Democrats can't be unilaterally disarmed." Mutually assured destruction has been achieved. more ›

As expected, Mitt Romney soundly beat Newt Gingrich in the Nevada caucuses yesterday, no thanks to Donald Trump, who endorsed the candidate on Thursday. According to an extremely scientific poll of Nevada Facebook users, just 9.6% thought it had a positive affect on Romney, 41.4% voted "negative," and 49% voted "neither." In other equally important polling news, Rasmussen finds that Santorum beats Obama if you sample 12% of the electorate, and a certain cat has outsourced his way to impending victory. more ›

Would you believe that a majority of pop musicians disagree with Republican dogma? In recent days Newt Gingrich was sued by the co-author of "Eye of the Tiger" after he used it at numerous campaign events, and Mitt Romney was asked by K'naan to stop using his song "Wavin' Flag." "I'm for immigrants. I'm for poor people, and they don't seem to be what he's endorsing," the rapper told the Times. "My song being his victory song didn't seem quite right." So where can the GOP candidates turn to pump up their pasty crowds? We've compiled a shortlist of tunes that are the least likely to earn a cease-and-desist order. more ›

Newt Gingrich is well behind Mitt Romney in the polls for tonight's Florida primary, so the former Speaker has an ingenious method of invoking Godwin's law, politics-style. Robo-calls paid for by Gingrich's campaign have been calling voters and telling them that Romney axed Kosher meals for Holocaust victims during his tenure has Massachusetts' governor. more ›

Newt Gingrich may be trailing Mitt Romney by 11 percentage points in Florida, but don't tell whoever wrote this fresh, fly, rap song about the former Speaker of the House. more ›

Because a guy named "Brad" is in the office today, the country has been graced with Mitt Romney's tax returns. They show that in 2010 the candidate earned $21.7 million, and paid $3 million in federal taxes, for an effective tax rate of 13.9%. Romney also gave $2.98 million to charity, $1.5 million of which went to the Mormon Church. Reuters also reports that Romney closed down accounts in Switzerland and the Caymans that year "after an investment advisor decided it could be politically embarrassing to Romney." more ›

What does Newt Gingrich's 12% win over Mitt Romney in South Carolina mean? Even if Gingrich doesn't have Romney's war chest and organization for Florida's primary on the 31st, his momentum is snowballing in the state's print media, and this morning Romney admitted he made a mistake in declining to release his tax returns, and said he will make them available on Tuesday. “We made a mistake in holding off as long as we did,” the candidate told FOX News, noting that he pays a "substantial" amount of taxes. Still Gingrich can point out that in terms of percentage, he pays double what a member of the 0.01% does. more ›

Like a certain prurient Congressman, drunk on power and thirsty for alternatives, the South Carolina electorate has spurned their betrothed for the powdery jowls of another. Newt Gingrich is currently leading Mitt Romney ahead of today's GOP primary, 37% to 28% according to the PPP. In related news, we're taking the rest of the day off to close the deal on some Moon Condos. more ›

At Monday night's GOP presidential debate, Newt Gingrich defended his plan to put poor children with poor "work habit" to work as janitors in their schools, using New York City's decadent custodians as an example of excess. "New York City pays their janitors an absurd amount of money because of the union. You could take one janitor and hire 30-some kids," Gingrich said. "That's ridiculous," Robert Troeller, president of Local 891, a union for the city's school custodian engineers says. Maybe, but at least kids are too tiny to organize! more ›

In what will surely be fodder for his show tonight, a PPP poll released today shows Stephen Colbert beating all of the Republican candidates in favorability, with 36% to Mitt Romney's 35%. But in a race for president, Colbert earns 13% of the vote to Obama's 41% and Romney's 38%. And because Colbert supporters tend to lean towards Obama, a third-party Colbert candidacy would mean he'd hurt the president's chances. Will Romney start funneling money to Americans For A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow? more ›

Though it's no secret that Mitt Romney's income is made up of residual Bain investments taxed at the low rate of 15%, the candidate admitted it this morning at a campaign stop in Florence, South Carolina. “It’s probably closer to the 15 percent rate than anything,” Romney said. According to the Times, he also loses his speaking fees in the cushions of his couch. “And then I get speaker’s fees from time to time, but not very much.” Yeah, what's $374,327, or nearly 14 times the per capita income of Americans? more ›

Ahh, South Carolina. From its racist, lionized politicians to its well-informed citizenry, the Palmetto State is a bastion of a bygone era many of us are happy to have never lived in. At last night's GOP debate in Myrtle Beach, sponsored by FOX News, the candidates pandered mightily to the raucous audience to give them what they wanted: blood. Specifically, sweet, sweet Mormon blood. more ›

Jon Huntsman, the most qualified, moderate Republican candidate for president withdrew from the race today after a poor showing in New Hampshire and polls showing that he trailed a TV personality who isn't even on the ballot in Saturday's South Carolina primary. Before sheepishly endorsing Mitt Romney, Huntsman complained about how mean the other candidates are. “This race has degenerated into an onslaught of negative and personal attacks not worthy of the American people and not worthy of this critical time in American history,” Huntsman said, apparently never seeing those awesome attack ads John Adams launched against Thomas Jefferson in 1800. more ›

Less than a week before South Carolina's Republican primary, Ron Paul is currently polling third behind Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich. He's risen six percentage points in the last seven days according to PPP, and now he has sewn up the crucial "Fiscally Conservative Pimp" vote. Dennis Hof, who owns Nevada's Moonlite Bunny Ranch, tells CNN, "If a client comes into the Bunny Ranch and says 'I'm pimpin for Paul,' they're gonna have a really good time." Presumably this refers to the sense of purpose one feels by being civically-minded shortly after expensive, soul-shattering coitus. more ›

Texas Governor Rick Perry may be completely irrelevant, but he still has money and thus we should care about his opinion on the disturbing video released last week showing U.S. Marines urinating on the corpses of recently killed combatants. "These kids made a mistake, there's not any doubt about it," he said. "[They] shouldn't have done it, it's bad—but to call it a criminal act, I think is over the top," Perry said on CNN today. "Obviously 18, 19-year-old kids make stupid mistakes all too often and that's what's occurred here." more ›

Last month, Stephen Colbert's Super PAC, Americans for A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, attempted to sponsor South Carolina's GOP primary with a $500,000 donation. "Of course, I can’t offer that kind of no-strings-attached-money without getting something in return," Colbert wrote in an op/ed for The State, and in exchange for the money, he asked that his name be placed on the ballot and the primary itself, and that voters also be asked about corporate personhood. Alas, the state's GOP declined to take the bait, but PPP polled voters anyway: 33% of likely voters think that "corporations are people," while 67% believe "only people are people." Look for Jim DeMint to be unseated by Senator Bojangles in 2016. more ›

President Obama's chief of staff, Bill Daley, announced that he would resign his post at the end of the month. Sources in the White House tell the AP that Daley's letter of resignation, which he submitted last week, took president Obama by surprise. "I have been honored to be in your Muppet Movie a small part of your administration," Daley's letter read. In a brief press conference today, the president said, "There's no question I will deeply miss having Bill by my side at the White House, " and stated that OMB director Jack Lew will take the reins. more ›

Carl Paladino is not only Pope Benedict's #1 stunt double, but a reasonable man who holds his tongue unless he absolutely must speak out against injustice. But in an interview with the Observer today, it's the media's misguided lionization of Cuomo for largely bridging a $10 million deficit that forces Paladino's tongue to once again, utter truth. "He didn’t do anything. What did he do? He contrived a $10 billion deficit, you guys never inquired as to why…He didn’t solve sh@t, but you guys made him a hero.” Perhaps Cuomo didn't solve it because he was too busy bathing in it? more ›

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is above partisan squabbling and name-calling. As he was trying to explain this to a group of Mitt Romney supporters at a campaign stop in Exeter, New Hampshire, he was rudely interrupted by a group of Occupy protesters who shouted "Christie kills jobs!" But thanks to his years on the stand-up circuit, Christie handled the hecklers like a pro. "You know, something may go down tonight but it ain't gonna be jobs, sweetheart!" We're guessing New Jersey's chief executive then ordered the group a round of strawberry daiquiris and told the bartender to "keep playing Buffett until I can get these ladies home." more ›

To satisfy America's bloodlust for pallid men in funeral attire yelling at each other, the GOP presidential candidates faced off in two debates, twelve hours apart, ahead of Tuesday's New Hampshire primary. At last night's ABC debate at St. Anselm, frontrunner Willard Romney was content to let Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich claw each other's eyes out. But at this morning's NBC/Lunesta debate his rivals came to their senses and with the help of Romney's inability to relate to anyone other than T-1000, attempted to tear down his commanding lead in the polls. more ›