No More No Pants Subway Ride, Please

Yesterday was the 11th Annual No Pants Subway Ride, in which hundreds of "zany" "individuals" rode the subway without pants on, taking photos of each other and giggling about how crazy their behavior is. We've had just about enough of this formulaic nonsense and want it stop. Not because we're against fun, but because New York City is fun enough without this inane exercise in half-assed exhibitionism. We don't blame you if you live in say, Phoenix (the stunt happens in over 50 cities worldwide), and this is what you need to alleviate the crushing boredom of living in a bleak uncultured wasteland. But with all due respect to the imaginative folks at Improv Everywhere, New Yorkers deserve better, fresher pranks. Here are five reasons why we would like you to keep your pants on next year:

• Nobody wants to see you in your underwear. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? About how our poor defenseless eyeballs are accosted by your unsolicited near-nakedness, like wet Underoos whipping our corneas? What planet do you live on where you think anyone wants to see your jiggling pale January human flesh—which is revolting enough from the neck up. This isn't fun for us. Nevertheless, be sure click through all the photos in this spread to see why!
• Everybody wants to see you in your underwear. Okay, so maybe you're one of the participants who actually does possess a young, shapely, well-toned body from the waist down. Good for you. But is it really wise to be prancing around the subway system so provocatively, what with all the sick perverted groping masturbators wandering around down there? We're not blaming any victims, but these creeps hardly need any encouragement, and even if you made it through the day without some living R. Crumb cartoon fondling your ass, you should know that you've probably provided them with F train masturbation material for weeks. Thanks.
• NYC is not your college campus. This kind of "stunt" might be an acceptable diversion out in the provinces, or on the campus quad during freshman year, but this is Capital City. After eleven years, it goes without saying that this isn't novel anymore. How about a No Dudes In Flip Flops subway ride? Or a Hold Your Cell Phone Horizontally When Filming A Subway Fight ride?
• It's not edgy if hundreds of people are doing it. It's conformity, not originality, no matter what message you're advertising on your ass. Want to be bold and daring? Take off your pants and ride the subway on any other day than this. Dropping trou and following the herd as part of a premeditated Facebook status update isn't outrageous.
• Flesh-eating bacteria. Not to be a buzzkill, but need we say more?

And besides, if this is how you are "putting yourself out there" and meeting potential mates, who are we to judge? Which reminds us, if you're a lady who "wore panties that you described as business up front and party around the back" and "happen to be a Nick Thune fan or just a hopeless romantic" there's a no-pants guy on Craigslist looking for you!