These Machines Don't Serve Minors.

At long last, machines have replaced those insufferable humans who hand out free samples of food products to the greedy masses! Starting tomorrow at the South Street Seaport, a new vending machine will be doling out free "Temptations" Jell-O pudding samples. We know from advertising that this is the first Jell-O dessert made "just for adults," and children will not be getting any free samples. That's because the machine uses facial recognition technology to determine if the pudding-seeking human is a pitiful adult or beastly child.

Jell-O's publicists say the new "Sampling Machine" uses "breakthrough technology" to dispense free samples to adults only. "Showcasing the future of how consumers could interact with products and sample more easily, if the machine detects a child, it will shut down, asking the child to step away from the machine," announces the press release. It's unclear if the machine can also fire lasers to scare the little beasts off, because in our experience, kids demanding dessert are not so easily deterred. Over the next few weeks, you can expect to see a lot of young punks down at the Seaport piling up on each others' shoulders and waddling up to the machine wearing fake mustaches and long trenchcoats.