Must be Al-Qaeda teenagers

The real reason behind the LGA laser sightings:

http://toonzday.blogspot.com/2...

What kind of lasers?

Stolen entirely from the Onion: http://www.theonion.com/articl...

From the flight deck, this is your captain. Just want to give you a
quick update as we make our final preparations for landing. The current
weather in Los Angeles is 67 degrees with a slight northwesterly breeze,
and in case you're wondering why the plane feels like it's completely
out of control, well, there's currently some fuckface standing on the
roof of his car down near the tarmac shining a laser pointer directly
into in my eyes.

I literally can't see a goddamn thing.

A natural question for you to ask would be, "What kind of sick
individual does this?" On behalf of myself and my first officer whom you
can hear screaming in the background, I'm sorry to say these
motherfuckers do exist. In fact, there were almost 3,000 lasering
incidents last year alone—enough that they even warrant their own term:
"laserings." By the way, in case you're keeping track, that's eight
instances per day in which a human being—someone with a conscience who
ostensibly knows the difference between right and wrong—drives to an
airport, gets out of his car, and entertains himself by shining a
fucking laser pointer directly into a pilot's eyes.

If you're saying to yourself, "You'd have to be a real piece of shit to do something like that because you could kill
300 people," you'd get no argument from me, seeing as I am currently
trying to safely land a packed 747 while human garbage is making figure
eights in my window.

Now, if I were a passenger on this plane, which I essentially am
right now because this blinding light has basically rendered my pilot's
license useless, I'd be filled with confusion and anger as to why I was
about to die so meaninglessly. Also, I would be pretty shocked to learn
that the biggest threat to air travel since 9/11 is apparently bored
cocksuckers blinding pilots with the same device cat owners use to make
their pets chase their tails around. So let me go ahead and give you
permission to turn on your cell phones and wireless devices so you can
call your families and tell them you love them. And while you're at it,
do a quick search for "laser pointers and pilots." That's right, you
live in a world in which the following news headlines have been written:
"Pilots Report More Danger From Laser Beams," and "FBI Probes Lasers
Aimed At Plane Cockpits."

This is happening so often that the fucking FBI is involved, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for impact,
and passengers, please take a second to ponder mankind's inherent
ignorance and cruelty. Whoops, sorry, didn't mean to turn the seat-belt
sign off just then. Once again, I cannot see what the hell I'm doing.

Now, what this dickhead probably doesn't understand is that when you
shine a laser pointer into a cockpit, it's very different from shining
one on the ground. I imagine that Mr. Fuckstick down there is
envisioning a comical scene in which I am swatting a red dot from my
face as if it were some sort of nagging fly. That he won't actually be
able to see me do this because he is nearly four miles below me, and
that the only real payoff he will get from his "joke" is a deadly plane
crash, makes this whole situation truly mindless. By the way, if any of
you do survive the initial impact and resulting third-degree burns and
are heading on to Charlotte, your connecting gate is A8—that's Gate
A8—and that flight is on time for its scheduled departure.

Anyway, as I was saying, when one shines a laser pointer into a
cockpit, the light is refracted by the windshield and causes the entire
cabin to be filled with a blinding light. Just a little photonics lesson
for you.

I literally do not have control of this airplane right now.

I will say there is one positive amid all this, though:
Statistically, it's possible someone on this plane has shined, or is
planning to shine, a laser pointer into a pilot's eyes themselves. If
I'm talking about you, please just sit back, relax, and relish in the
delicious irony that you might die tonight because some other shithead
is playing that sick little game, too.

With that in mind, we know you have a choice when traveling and we'd
like to thank you for flying with us today. I've just been told by
air-traffic control it's too late to pull up, so the best we can hope
for now is to crash into this fucking prick while he tries to run away.

We'll have you on the ground in about 15 seconds