Starbucks Unveils New "Blonde Roast" In Desperate Attempt To Make Less-Sucky Coffee

Probably still sucks

Sure, Starbucks, once you get past their Draconian laptop laws and offensive profiling strategies, makes a decent half-caf-no-sugar-vanilla-soy-extra-hot-latte. But for those who prefer straight-up coffee and not some abominable flavored monstrosity, tough bananas—Starbucks coffee has always tasted like bitter, burnt ass. Until now, maybe. The chain has introduced a new, lighter "Blonde Roast" intended to appeal to those with more delicate taste buds.

"We recognized the unmet consumer need for a super-premium light roast coffee, and our coffee developers went to work to craft a great-tasting, quality lighter roast coffee we are proud to stand behind," Cliff Burrows, president of the Americas for Starbucks said in a statement. Sorry, what "unmet need" is that, Cliff? Every bodega in the city sells coffee better than the dreck Starbucks churns out, but we'll give this new Blonde roast a shot in the name of fairness, all while wondering what Comedy Central special the chain will rip off next.

The new chain will launch in Starbucks shops and grocery stores in January. While you wait, read up on the many, many reasons that Starbucks coffee tastes so horrifically bad. (Hint: it's science.)

Contact the author of this article or email tips@gothamist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By Jamie Feldmar in Food on October 18, 2011 5:15 PM

Comments [rss]

sherrydong

Just after noon on Wednesday, shares of Starbucks were not looking so perky. http://bit.ly/qwRvCy

pendejito

Just go out of buisness already..................................

Samantha_Ga

I never get coffee from Starbucks (only sweet lattes and frozen drinks and such) I find their iced coffee decent though. So I guess this "Blond" roast will taste watered down..kind of like D&D?

fancyasian

Yeah I think the coffee at starbucks is all vienna roast and above. It's not my thing since all the subtleties of the origin are obliterated by the burnt taste. It's smart from a chain's perspective as they can hide imperfections behind that char, or call it BOLD because that's all the flavor they got riding on beans that were roasted weeks ago.

Peanut_Butter

Hey, didn't they get rid of the name from the logo?

pendejito

"our coffee developers went to work to craft a great-tasting, quality lighter roast coffee"

What did they do? walk to the closest bodega and get a large, milk and sugar coffee for $1.25?

Your coffee developers are ripping you off starbucks.

krinklecutfires

Why bother? Go to a small time roaster and get the good stuff. Porto Rico coffee in manhattan happens to be awesome cheap and not evil.

Samantha_Ga

Well that's fabulous. Unfortunately I work 30+ blocks away from there. But my boss will surely understand I need to take a 40 minute coffee break, right?

krinklecutfires

You could also just make coffee at home and bring a thermos.

Samantha_Ga

We actually have a coffee machine at work, my comment was made specifically to point out the fact that depending on where you work, local coffee shops are not an option.

TuraLura

It's a shame. In the mid-80s, the Pacific Northwest coffee culture was a mind-blowing experience for a NYC girl. You could get good Italian coffee, but I had never tasted anything like the coffee people were sucking down in Portland in 1987.

I remember drinking delicious coffee at the original Starbucks in Seattle in the early 90s, too. But corporate Starbucks swill makes me sick to my stomach. I'll pass on the Blonde, too- their sh*t also ridiculously overpriced for a beverage that can be had on every other corner of Manhattan.

Theose

What about Dunkin Donuts "coffee flavored drink"? What they do to coffee is a crime.

urbanguy

Not that Starbucks is the best story in the universe, but this post is a little like saying that "every Radio Shack sells a better phone than Apple . . ."

kimpossibble

The problem with your analysis is that it's incorrect.

Roger_the_Shrubber

I agree, Starbucks coffee tastes like it was made from the charred remains of a fire in a gasoline drum made by bums on the street.

That said, somebody must be drinking the stuff to keep all these places in business.

Len_Drexler

They brainwashed a large segment of the population into thinking that this is what good coffee tastes like. Much like how the Australian wine industry convinced a lot of people that syrupy fruit bombs are the sign of good red wine.

Xwendekar

I can't get over the fact that EVERY major national news outlet I've looked at today has had a story about this. But indeed, regular Starbucks coffee does taste like 'bitter, burnt ass'. In fact I would say that description was charitable.