A lawsuit filed by the family of a student at Staten Island's all-boys Catholic school St. Peter's alleges that he was subjected to violent hazing and that the school refused to act against the aggressors. According to the Post, the freshman was "held down by four beefy linebackers in the locker room and repeatedly jabbed in the groin and rear end with a broomstick." That description probably could have done without the word "beefy," but hey, the guy who came up with "Headless Body Found In Topless Bar" just retired to cut the Post some slack.

The broomstick incident, which echoes the hazing rituals of a certain fire volunteer department, was preceded by the teenager being "thrown into lockers" among other acts of bullying. School officials didn't discipline the alleged attackers because Archbishop Timothy Dolan was scheduled to visit the school, the complaint alleges. The DA declined to press charges against the teenagers or the school, so the family is seeking $500K in damages, and has since removed their child from St. Peter's. No word on whether he had to wear a Hannah Montana backpack.