Bed Bug Detector Finds Critters Through Their Farts

The BBD-100 in action (Courtesy Stern Environmental Group)

Bedbugs: It's not enough they feast on your blood and then defecate on your mattress, they also soil the air with their flatulence. We came upon this informative tidbit via the website for Stern Environmental Group [SEG], which is now selling an "exciting newly patented product": a handheld personal bed bug detector. According to SEG, the BBD-100 "works by drawing in air samples and testing them for the presence of gas emissions generated by bed bugs." Simultaneously revolted and intrigued, we immediately sought more information via an online representative of the company named Marion. What follows is a transcript of that IM exchange:

Visitor: Marion?
Marion: Hello, thanks for contacting Stern Environmental Group. My name is Marion, may I have your name?
Visitor: My name is Tony Pizzacata. What may I ask is your name?
Marion: Hi Tony. How may I assist you?
Visitor: Do you have bed bug detectors?
Marion: Before we proceed, can I get your phone number or email in case we get disconnected as well as your property address?
Visitor: I'd rather keep that information to myself at this point.
Visitor: I see now you do have detectors. So bedbugs... are flatulent??? I knew they defecate on the ends of mattresses but that is sick.
Marion: Is this for a home or commercial business?
Visitor: Both. They're everywhere!
Visitor: Oh fuck me, I just killed one on my computer keyboard! Now I have blood on it... My OWN blood.
Marion: How soon are you looking to have the pest problem addressed?
Visitor: Unbelievable. Marion, how do you recommend disposing of bedbug remains?
Marion: Would you like to set up a free consultation with our Owner, Doug Stern
Visitor: And you didn't answer my previous question: Do bedbugs really have gas? Because I don't want to buy this detector if it's just snake oil.
Marion: Our Owner is up to date with the latest products and techniques and will be able to recommend what works best for your situation.
Visitor: WHAT ABOUT THE GAS?
Visitor: Is this toxic? I am really freaking out now.
Visitor: Marion?
Marion: Our office staff will be able to answer further questions
Visitor: Marion, aren't you the office staff?
Marion: I am internet representative of a company.
Visitor: Are you even a real person, or... okay. So you can't answer any of my questions. You're just here to get my personal information so they company can market to me. I feel so disillusioned.
Marion: The privacy agreement is confidential to our customers. These details can be provided by our specialist.
Visitor: Guess I'll just spend my Friday night thinking about bedbugs farts. Awesome.
Marion: If you want, I can have your information sent via email
Visitor: Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you.

We further gleaned from the company's website that "the unit is so sensitive that it will detect if even just one bed bug is hiding within six inches of the unit's probe." (Yes, that's what she said.) The unit is portable and about the size of a calculator, but N.B.: "bed bugs must be hiding where their emissions can build up for about five to ten minutes in order to be detected by the unit." The BBD-100 retails for just $299, which may seem like a lot, but just think about the peace of mind knowing once and for all whether or not you're inhaling bed bug farts!