Do you suffer from bad breath, low self-esteem, and unyielding, despondent loneliness? Do you long to be in the big game with the big players, way up high where it's always balmy, where no one snaps his fingers and says, "Hey, Shrimp, rack the balls!"? Well, sir/madam, pack your bags for Easy Street, because your ship has just come in: An area man has loosened his grip on a coveted 212 area code, and it could be yours on eBay today for just $1 million (or best offer)!

Yes, this hot area code is priced to move. What's the catch, you say? Well, that's the beauty of it—there is none! 212 area code owner "Carmen"—who will only give his first name because he's worried about prank calls—isn't crazy, he's practically giving away this precious item because he needs money to take care of his 98-year-old mother, who has dementia. And his depressing personal crisis is your gain!

And with a new 929 area code getting distributed to the deadbeats and nobodies of New York next month, the value of the 212 is only expected to skyrocket. Buy low now, and by mid-summer you could flip this "prestigious" area code for twice what you paid for it. Or just keep it for yourself and watch your influence and power grow by the minute. It's the ultimate status symbol, says a man who owns a website that sells 212 area codes.

"Individuals come because they don't want to get stuck with a 347 or 646 from the phone company, which makes them look like they are new to the city," 212areacode.com owner David Day tells the Daily News. "Then you have corporations or businesses that come to us because they have a reputation and they want to stand out. They don't want to look like they just set up shop."

As for Carmen, he says he put the code on sale last year but didn't get any serious offers, and he just doesn't get why nobody's seized this golden opportunity yet. "I was tickled pink when I got that number," Carmen recalls, hearkening back to those glory days when he was in his prime in the 212. He currently resides in Fort Lee, New Jersey, lost in the ghetto of the 201.