Bedbugs Besiege Brooklyn D.A.'s Office

In a series of increasingly brazen attacks, the bedbugs have laid siege to our libraries, our lingere, and our most precious sources for preppy clothes. And now they've made a move on our judicial system, infiltrating the offices of Brooklyn D.A. Charles J. Hynes. According to one tipster, the D.A.'s office is currently "infested," and, alarmingly, we were unable to reach the District Attorney, who has presumably been carried off to the bedbugs' underground blood-harvesting work farm. However, Hynes's stalwart press liaison, Jerry Schmetterer, has refused to abandoned headquarters, and we got through to him by phone just moments ago.

"We have an issue with bedbugs and are in the process of exterminating them," Schmetterer calmly confirmed, in an attempt to squelch the panic currently spreading throughout Kings County. He insisted that the bedbugs have had "no effect on case load" since they infiltrated the offices earlier this week, and that the city's best exterminators are currently beating them back. When pressed to quantify the enemy's numbers—whether it be in the hundreds or thousands—Schmetterer told us, "I have no idea." After saying goodbye, the line went dead.

As news of the attack on the city's district attorneys filters out, one can only assume that lawlessness and anarchy will rule the streets this weekend. But that's exactly what the bedbugs want! People, we need to show these blood-sucking parasites that we're better than them. No need to panic; just lock the door and stay in your homes until this pestilence blows over. Sleep tight and, you know, try not to think about the pink bloodsucking elephant in the room.