Goldman Sachs Bankers Ready to Open Fire on Mob

Senior bankers at Goldman Sachs are arming themselves with handguns to fend off any forthcoming populist uprising against the bank. A friend of one of the bankers tells a Bloomberg News columnist, "I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit," swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker. This unidentified banker says he's not the only one stocking up on guns, and the NYPD confirms that some of the Goldman Sachs bankers do have pistol permits. Well, this ought to fix their public image problem!

Goldman Sachs has become the #1 symbol for how the financial industry has fleeced the American taxpayer, particularly after a widely read Rolling Stone article looked back at how this group of influential "gangsters" have played a hand in the economy's boom and bust cycle over the past century. At one point, author Matt Taibbi famously described the firm as a "vampire squid sucking the face of humanity." And now that squid is ready suck and shoot.

But where is this torch-toting mob the bankers so palpably dread? Most down-on-their-luck proles amassing at angry rallies have been directing their inchoate rage at communist Obama. On the left, the Working Families Party bussed some protesters out to the homes of AIG executives, but taxpayer contempt for Goldman Sachs—which made $27 billion from trading in the first nine months of this year—hasn't even come close to riot level.

Thing is, these bankers are sick of being made into scapegoats for the recession, and it could very well be that their growing arsenal is motivated as much by fear as a desire to unload on the ungrateful rabble. One imagines that somewhere in Greenwich, old-timely Gatling guns are being rolled up out of the basement. It's go time! You gonna take that, plebes?

Contact the author of this article or email tips@gothamist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By John Del Signore in News on December 1, 2009 1:17 PM

Comments [rss]

williambanzai7

PENCIL NECK BANKER GEEK

(Pencil Neck Geeks, Freddie Blassy)

WilliamBanzai7

Back when I was a kid, life was going swell.

Till something happened, blew every thing to hell.

That night my daddy stumbled in, all pale and weak,

Said "A woman up the block just gave birth to a banker geek."

Mom said, "Sell it to Greenspan's circus, what the heck."

Dad said, "Nope, this one's a pencil neck.

And if there's one thing lower than a quantitative freak,

It's a grit eatin', scum suckin', pencil neck banker geek."

You see if you take a pencil that won't hold lead,

Looks like a pipe cleaner attached to a head,

Add a buggy whip body with a brain that leaks,

You got yourself a grit eatin', pencil neck banker geek.

(Chorus)

Pencil neck geek, quantitative freak,

Scum suckin', swindler with a lousy physique.

He's a one man, no gut, bubble bloating streak.

Nothin' but a pencil neck banker geek.

Soon the banker geeks were poppin' bubbles all over downtown.

You couldn't hardly sneeze without knockin' one down.

After a nice juicy steak, if you need a toothpick,

Just reach for a banker geek, they'll do the trick.

One day we cut one up for fish bait.

Learned our lesson just a little bit late.

Soon as the geek hit the Hudson drink, the water turned subprime red.

Next day, sure enough, all the investor fish were dead.

Chorus

Most any night you know where I can be found.

Yeah, stomping some banker geek's head into the NYC ground.

So keep the faith 'cause in SPITZER you can trust,

I won't give up 'til the last banker geek bites the dust.

Chorus

They say, "these geeks come a dime a dozen."

I'm lookin' for a guy named Geithner who's supplin' the dimes.

It's gonna be real hard times for all of these

Grit eatin',

Scum suckin',

Obama lickin',

Drop kickin',

Gut grindin',

2 Big 2 failin',

Nail bitin',

Glue sniffin',

Scab pickin',

Butt scratchin',

Bonus snatchin',

Sleezy,

Smelly,

Pepper bellied,

Dirty, lousy, rotten, stinkin', pinstriped bailout suckin freaks.

Nothing but a pencil neck banker geek.

Pencil neck geek.

Pencil neck geek.

Pencil neck geek.

wingedearth

Where's the anger at Obama (and McCain) who championed the bailouts to Wall Street, in the Senate?

JenChungsBaby

Hope they have better aim than Dick Cheney.

NannyState

This would be the first time a banker was capable of shooting anything.

JacqueMehoff

but again what does the mayor say about this?

he butts his nose into other states gun laws.

I've never heard him say anything about legal gun ownership.

twelveicat

In other words:

People who can afford to and have the good sense to obtain a gun and owners permit are doing so. Some of the ones that are doing so work at a bank.

Why is this news? Ok. Fine, I'll give it "news." But why is it some sort of thing to get upset about?

HOW DARE THEY FOLLOW THE LAW? DAMN them.

jtp2106

That Rolling Stone article is a bit over the top.

http://www.thebigmoney.com/articles/judgments/2009/08/06/matt-taibbi-just-plain-wrong?page=0,0

felixthecat2

http://www.goldmansachs666.com/

sidenote

Just wait, soon they'll have armed guards circling the building just like Jay Gould's Hotel Taylor during the Erie War back in the 1860s.

JenChungsBaby

What's Al Qaeda's mailing address? I have a postcard with Goldman's return address on it that I'd like to send them. It says "Go fuck yourself, you bacon-sucking cave dwellers."

Wza

Send teens from the Bronx down to Wall Street.

hotstepper

this is a very sad story, bankers just can't catch a break these days. they are doing god's work, don't ya know?

Splicer

Now we wait for the first nervous idiot banker to shoot some innocent person who "spooked" him. Inevitable.

starrygordon

So, do modern lampposts work as well as the old kind?

JacqueMehoff

oh BTW, what does the Mayor say about this?

will a reporter please ask him this?

longacre

As long as they're doing it legally, there's no reason for the mayor to say anything.

felixthecat2

so why wasn't he silent in regards to out-state CC permits in NYC?

longacre

In regard to Plaxico? Because out of state permits are not valid in NYC.

jaycjay

"In regard to Plaxico? Because out of state permits are not valid in NYC."

Wouldn't have mattered in his case. His Florida permit had expired.