Say A Hail Mary, Al Qaeda: The NFL's John Elway Is Scrambling

You may know John Elway from such a hits as Super Bowl XXXII and Home Improvement episode "The Eve of Construction." But the retired Denver Broncos' quarterback has now found a new drive in fighting terrorism, as you'll see in this gonzo instructional video "Recognizing the 8 Signs of Terrorism," which was produced in partnership with the Colorado governor's Office of Homeland Security, and the FBI, thanks to a federal Homeland Security grant.

The video ticks off the eight things for patriots to look for when paranoid and xenophobic in Colorado, or anywhere. It was produced by The Center for Empowered Living and Learning (The CELL), a self-described "non-profit institution dedicated to addressing the most important global issue of our time - terrorism." The CELL operates a terrorism museum in Denver, centered around the multimedia exhibit, "Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: Understanding the Threat of Terrorism." The $7 million exhibit was paid for by Lawrence Mizel, a Denver Republican Party donor, who was also a maxed-out contributor to John McCain's presidential campaign. Denver is also where suspected terrorist Najibullah Zazi was nabbed after leaving Queens, for which Elway received no credit.

So for anyone who was worried about terrorists getting back rubs and exfoliating body scrubs from the Obama administration, you'll definitely sleep better now that Hall of Famer Elway and Republican aristocrats are picking up the slack. But when will the CELL open up a location here in New York? Exhibit highlights like the sarin gas display would definitely sell a lot of tickets to tourists from places like Colorado.