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Producers have confirmed what the Post's Michael Riedel revealed on Friday: Julie Taymor's big budget Broadway musical adaptation of "Spider-Man"—believed to be the most expensive production in the history of Broadway—has big problems. (Besides being a musical about Spider-Man.) Insiders say Taymor's burning through money at an alarming rate, and the budget for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark could easily hit $50 million. Now work on the production has been suspended because of "an unexpected cash flow problem," and rumor has it that Sony and Marvel are ousting the show's lead producer, David Garfinkle, a showbiz lawyer with virtually no producing experience. With music and lyrics by U2's Bono and the Edge, and direction from the woman who brought you The Lion King, it seems inevitable that the spectacle will debut someday, and a publicist insists it will begin previews as scheduled in February, 2010. But Riedel declares, "If that happens, I'll eat my young."
Spider-Man Musical Hanging By a Thread!
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Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web, any size,
Catches thieves just like flies
Look Out!
Here comes the Spiderman.
Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got radioactive blood.
Can he swing from a thread
Take a look overhead
Hey, there
There goes the Spiderman.
In the chill of night
At the scene of a crime
Like a streak of light
He arrives just in time.
Spiderman, Spiderman
Friendly neighborhood Spiderman
Wealth and fame
He's ingnored
Action is his reward.
To him, life is a great big bang up
Whenever there's a hang up
You'll find the Spider man.
Solution: Change the title and the main character to a Spider-Pig.
I suppose they have a problem so large that only a super hero could help get it back on track?
- Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning. I don't know what I'm reading anymore.
- Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written. (Picks up a manuscript) Hmmm..."After being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker awakes the next morning to find he has superhuman abilities." Nah, it's too good.
That's the funniest thing I've read in ages. If I had any money, I'd send you some. Unfortunately, all I have is a hearty laugh. Ha!
Cheers!
Spidey sense says: some things should just remain as comic books.
So let's see - you have a creative property that's already been exploited to the breaking point in comic books, movies, cartoons, cereals, video games, and so on. But more specifically, one that relies quite heavily on cinematic flair and trickery that, when framed on a single stage space only brings to mind the flat image of silly and clumsy wire-rig acrobatics.
Then you hire the world's most overrated, overinflated ego to direct it, ensuring a bloated budget and obnoxious staging that will probably use bizarre puppets and paper mache for some fucking reason.
Then you put the music in the hands of the two boringest fucking hacks in rock and roll, this side of Nickelback.
Then you give it an awkward, meaningless name that opens the whole thing up for a myriad of snarky puns from critics and confused shrugs from audiences.
Shit, how is this not an investor's dream? Put me down for a million!
Spiderman just needs a good case of A.I.D.S and a ridiculously high rent payment and he's off to the races.