Jock Itch Cop Says He'll Retire and Scratch in Peace

Lt. Kieran Crowe, a 23-year-veteran of the NYPD who was suspended for 60 days without pay for rubbing his crotch, simulating masturbation and wagging his tongue at his male sergeants, announced his retirement today. Crowe had been found guilty of harassment and "creating a lewd, hostile work environment," despite his insistence that he only touched his groin area to relieve his jock itch. In a statement, Crowe struck a defiant tone, saying, "I vehemently deny these charges." But a lawyer for the victims, Sgts. Sean Gallagher and Dominic Coppola, tells the Daily News, "Crowe's word is as good as his jock itch defense." Not to be outdone, Crowe's lawyer retorts, "Does it make sense that this gentle, homosexual man would seek to coerce and seduce two large, burly heterosexuals?" Hmm, does it mean you're gay if that question makes your groin area itch?