February 14, 2008
7,100 Starbucks Locations to Close!
Image: Bernie Hou.
Sorry Reverend Billy, it’s only for three hours. For those of you who haven’t heard, all 7,100 “standalone” Starbucks in the United States will close for 180 tense, irritable minutes, starting at 5:30pm on February 26th. (That’s a Tuesday.) Now don’t let panic take over – this has nothing to do with Starbucks' "sinister Phase Two" of operations; it’s planned to facilitate the retraining of their 135,000-strong army.
Come 8:30pm, this newly seasoned battalion of baristas will triumphantly march forth into a different era of corporate coffee domination. The company insists the training is all about their “new standards for how we create the drinks.” Baristas will be “trained in creating the perfect shot, steaming the milk, and all the pieces that come together in a drink.” But that doesn't mean a move to manual espresso machines, a company spokesperson told the Seattle Times.
So prepare: 02/26/08! Though there’s no substitute for the potent kick of Starbucks' signature burned beans, it would behoove you to scout out alternative coffee sources to get you through those dark hours. Besides the edgy, independent upstart Dunkin’ Donuts, there are also an increasing number of excellent coffee and espresso cafes in town eager to fill the void. Or just seek out any of the Starbucks locations inside Barnes & Noble; they’ll still be open and will be retraining their cadets throughout the day without disrupting business.
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"Besides the edgy, independent upstart Dunkin’ Donuts"
What the fuck?? "Edgy"?? "Upstart"???? Dunkies has been around for YEARS!! That's why my parents like it, it's for the Maxwell House generation. And Edgy? Nigga please ... from whence do you get your information from. And they're as independent as McDonalds. You need to get out more.
HughGass for comment of the year! Dude, you just demonstrated to everyone that you aren't one of the cool kids. If you were a hipster from Ohio you'd know how to order off the menu at Dunkin's to get the secret alternachino and special donuts that aren't put out for the general consumer.
god i hate starbucks
Sarcasm not appreciated?
Speaking of sarcasm, do you think the ad agency was laughing when they came up with the slogan "America runs on Dunkin'"?
Dunkin Donuts should by out Starbucks.
Dunkin Donuts should buy out Starbucks.
Coffee culture is so, so sad.
Ahem. That image is, in fact, from the brilliant (but sadly mostly defunct) NYC-centric webcomic Alien Loves Predator.
that's a shame.
coffee is one of the cheapest products the planet produces and yet people are paying 6 bucks a cup. crazy.
That "Sinister Phase Two" article is one of my favorite Onion articles ever. Also, Starbucks' drip coffee is terrible.
The real question: will Barnes and Noble stock up on toilet paper to prepare for the inevitable rush on their bathrooms?
Thanks, Doctor.
Hopefully after their so called retraining, they'll be able to masterfully create a decent tasting caffe americano grande.
maybe.