Read It & Weep: The Goldman Sachs Bonuses

Hey, did you get your year end bonus yet? The bros at Goldman Sachs sure did, to the tune of $600K per employee, on average. Yep, $600,000 dollars, a number that stands out in a year when most Wall Street bonuses, though still obscene, are either diminished or staying even with previous years. In fact, 600K is double the average bonus paid at other firms, according to Reuters.

Other banks may be wilting under fourth and third quarter losses, but not Goldman – they raked in a robust, almost record-setting profit in the third quarter. And because Goldman bet against the foundering subprime market, their future is only looking rosier; with the economy roiled by alarming turbulence, Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein is set to finish out ’07 with $70 million in salary and bonus. That has a nice ring to it. What was it Marx said about how a capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with?

But let’s not let this little financial “crisis” ruin the holidays, okay? There are bigger things to be upset about anyway, as this Man Seeking Woman Craigslist post proves. Ostensibly written by a jilted Goldman Sachs tool sitting on a 772K bonus, the personal ad just goes to show you that money doesn’t equal happiness! Neither does a “viking stove; dinners at places like per se, nobu and babbo; or a shiny new condo!”

So what am i looking for, you ask? someone to share all of this with at christmas, that's what… we'll go out for amazing dinners, we'll go shopping together, we'll drink great wines and at the end of the day we'll get each other off fabulously… I have had a certain part of my anatomy compared to a baby's arm. i am also quite charming.

The post is probably just a parody penned by some frustrated, envious permalancer who only wishes he could have the glamorous life of a Goldman Sachs hombre. But you never know – so go get him ladies! (And Choire.)

Contact the author of this article or email tips@gothamist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By John Del Signore in News on December 18, 2007 5:20 PM

Comments [rss]

sandradayoconnor

Maybe he meant a preemie baby's arm.

virgil

Maybe his girlfriend left because the part of him that resembles a baby's arm is his own arm. Or maybe even his leg. Or his nose. I feel a lot more charitable, all of a sudden. All the money in the world won't give you a normal looking nose. Oh, wait...

REALITY CHECK

All of this money came from somewhere.

Soon, we'll all feel the consequences of others' greed.

matty

i meant that they 'won' the hot potato game. thanks for the correction and the insight.

angry_pickle

of all the banking houses goldman did the best by far in avoiding the hot potato game of sub prime loans

No, they didn't avoid it. They were a huge part of it. In fact they sold $100 billion dollars of that crap. Not only did they sell them, they also wrote call options on them because they felt the prices on the crap that they just sold could only go down. And supposedly 1 out of 8 of the mortgage bonds that they sold to investors defaulted within 18 months. I mean it makes capitalist pig sense: find the worse mortgages possible those that have the highest chance of default, package them up in a bond, make sure the "marketing" numbers on the bond don't look too suspicious, then sell for highest price possible and sell it with confidence as if it was the deal of the decade.

misterhappy

Whomever posted this on Craigslist is either one of two things:

1) Wall Street's biggest Douche Bag.

2) A satirical genius.

freddyhere

Anyone see any ads in the Daily News classifieds looking for a Goldman Sachs partner?

ping

"we'll go shopping together, we'll drink great wines and at the end of the day we'll get each other off fabulously… I have had a certain part of my anatomy compared to a baby's arm. i am also quite charming."

HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaha ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahahaha ha ha ha haha haha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ha haw hahahaha ha ha ha ha ha HA!!!!

freddyhere

sorry wrong blog

freddyhere

What exactly is the point of tipping? Is it because we as a society see doormen and food workers as inferior and low-paid servants - and we should feel sorry for them and thus compensate them accordingly?

Rocknrope

edEx, you should've gone to banking school, or website school, not art school.

cmoney

My friend did a stint as an admin at GS. Her best year, she had a $15k bonus...

Karen

I wonder how much of that bonus money makes its way down to the receptionists. After all, they are the ones who really set the tone for how the public sees any business-if you get a snotty receptionist on the phone, you don't want to deal with that company. If you go to a receptionist's desk, ask a question, and get a blank stare, you're likely to walk back out the door.

Knarf

I shoulda all the comments before posting, sorry...

Knarf

I wonder what the median bonus was... You have to know the distribution isn't a bell curve...

Dave Hogarty

Oh man, I just read that craigslist post. Filthy rich and hung like a horse? I just can only imagine from his CL posting what a complete douchebag he is for his girlfriend to walk out on him. Oh wait! I don't have to imagine; he explicitly demonstrated it on craigslist.

halik007

Having worked at GS myself, I wouldn't get too stuck on the average bonus - the median number would be a lot more telling of the actual compensation. The distribution of the comp is skewed towards the senior MDs that pull millions, which in turns pulls the average number to astronomical sums.

Dave Hogarty

The Wall Street Journal ran a page one article last week about how a 16-person trading team earned $4 billion of Goldman's $11 billion annual net income this year. The two heads of that group were expected to get bonuses of $5 million to $15 million a piece. Given that each trader of that group earned $250mn in profits per person for the firm, GS, is practically a freaking redistributionist workers' paradise.

ed_Extinct

i'm not starving by any means,

but neither is my doorman who's a union worker and doesn't open doors —he just sits on his chubby ass all day... i should tip him for this?

i tip the super and the maintenance guys and one doorman a bag of oregano.

janelle

the real question, somewhat alluded to by zpk, is what the median bonus was, not the average. averages can be misleading.

VanessaNYC

Very few women want to get fucked with a baby's arm.

EastRiver

of all the banking houses goldman did the best by far in avoiding the hot potato game of sub prime loans. they have a ton of money, and their entire payroll is financed via high yield savings, so happy hanukkah, every one

They just got out of it before everyone else. And then profited by servicing the hedge funds that were neck deep in it. The line about ropes and hanging is apt. If you're looking for some sort of justification here there isn't one.

zpk

I'd like to see how all that money was actually distributed. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that 98% of it went to the wealthiest employees.

Nick S

hey, if you want tips you could always snag yourself a "real job"

ed_Extinct

it sickens me that everyone gets a "tip" but me or shall i say my industry.

bankers, traders, waiters, doormen, postal workers... etc...

i think it's a bum deal that we artists get flushed.

ed_Extinct

it sickens me that everyone gets a "tip" but me or shall i say my industry.

bankers, traders, waiters, doormen, postal workers... etc...

i think it's a bum deal that we artists get flushed.

matty

"i think it's a bum deal that we artists get flushed."

well these people just might buy your paintings and the main reason nyc is such a huge art mecca is cause people can afford to buy art - and these are the people buying it.

i expect a new "wall street" movie to come out about the hyper wealthy in new york.

matty

of all the banking houses goldman did the best by far in avoiding the hot potato game of sub prime loans. they have a ton of money, and their entire payroll is financed via high yield savings, so happy hanukkah, every one.

ed_Extinct

it sickens me that everyone gets a "tip" but me or shall i say my industry.

bankers, traders, waiters, doormen, postal workers... etc...

i think it's a bum deal that we artists get flushed.