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When it comes to driving routes for a JFK airport pickup, George Costanza advocates taking the Grand Central to the Van Wyck, deriding Kramer’s L.I.E. route as a “suicide mission.” In the current New York Magazine cover story, “How to Escape Airport Hell”, the editors invited chauffeur Kevin Sullivan to weigh in. While he comes down squarely on Costanza’s side, he also shares some invaluable alternative routes to all three airports in the unlikely event that traffic is snarled. (Or you can skip all that and can save a fortune by taking the subway and AirTrain to JFK and subway/bus to La Guardia, which really isn’t as aggravating as it sounds.)
And in the inconceivable event that your flight’s delayed, the magazine has some nearby off-airport restaurant recommendations, such as the souvlaki at the Cypriot BZ Grill near La Guardia and Singh’s Roti Shop near JFK, where the grub is so good and cheap that travelers are advised to “order half the menu.”
They also sent their gastronomically intrepid Adam Platt on a trip into the heart of airport dining darkness, and the man lived long enough to write about it. At La Guardia’s Rocco’s Yankee Clipper, Platt witnessed french toast that “looked like vulcanized rubber”, forced down “radically undercooked rib eye” and $14 martinis at Newark’s Gallagher’s Steak House, and ultimately favors the smoked chicken-and-avocado sandwich at the new Balducci’s in the JFK Delta terminal.
Other flight-delay options are weighed in the issue, including buying a day pass into one of the exclusive airport lounges ($50 admits the rabble into La Guardia’s pre-screening United Airlines Red Carpet Club, where you can monitor video of the lines at the security checkpoints and decide when to make your move). Passengers stuck in JFK’s JetBlue terminal can take advantage of the free Wi-Fi while getting a massage or wax at Oasis Day Spa. Poor slobs delayed at Newark make out the worst; the magazine seemingly leaves them for dead, suggesting they either pay $45 to drink in the Continental Presidents Club or, um, go get prescriptions filled at Gate 49’s Harmony Pharmacy.
Got coping mechanisms or survival tips for New York’s airport insanity? Send help in the comments.
Top photograph of a sign at the San Diego Airport by ThePinkSuperhero on Flickr; lower photograph of an hour-long wait for cabs at JFK by pazzia on Flickr
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When airport jokes fall flat, the terrorists have won.
My tip for a normal airport screening process is not to wear complicated clothing. No belts, no extensively laced up boots, no hats, no chain mail vests. I hate Juicy Couture sweat outfits, but I can understand them during travel.
Wow, that's my picture! Awesome!
What's with the ghetto princesses walking through security looking like Mr. T???? Amazing what I think is common sense to most people is just so foreign to most.
Please no jokes. The screening process cannot handle competition from other jokes.
HughGass #4: Obviously, the ghetto princesses are wearing costume bling.
Another tip, don't put honey in your carry-on, you'll get dinged. I bought some star thistle honey in San Fran and thought I could get away with it, but screeners caught it and gave me a choice of tossing it or checking my bag. I tried to argue that it wasn't a "liquid" per se (I think I even used the word "viscous", which was met with a blank stare), but no dice.
Make sure you don't greet your friend Jack too loudly!
On an only somewhat related note, why don't they run a comfy, $5 express bus to LGA from Jamaica? Maybe with a bus lane for part of it, or something? I fly out of LGA almost exclusively and getting there is a mission and a half if you don't own a car. Air Canada doesn't really do JFK.
Sometimes I will fly out of Buffalo just so I can land in JFK to take the AirTrain to the LIRR.
By BZ Grill near LGA, do they mean the one on Astoria Blvd and 26th St, like a 15 minute cab ride away (sorry can't tell from the cited article because the link isn't working right now)? 'Cause in that case, why not just say, "eat anywhere in Astoria?"
Don't get me wrong, BZ Grill is great, but I mean, really, it's just downright misleading to act like there's only one good choice in the area when you're talking about distances like that.
If you want to spend a little more but still not break the bank, Taverna Kyklades is an excellent choice, as is Thai Wave. The souvlaki vendor on the corner of 33rd St and Ditmars and Pollo ala Brasa are good choices for cheaper eats. What about the beer garden? I mean, damn, at this point we're talking all of Astoria. There're dozens of good options.
Security Check is ThoughtCrime Zone: HumorSpeak Double Plus UnGood.
It's interesting to go through airports like the one at Nashville, where the signs remind passengers to transport one's ammunition--be it rifle, shotgun, or pistol shells or rounds--in your checked luggage. It's like being in a different universe.
I'm lucky enough to live not too far from the M60 to LaGuardia. Does anyone know why the MTA can't get an airport bus that actually has luggage racks on it for suitcases?? It's obvious that the bus is going to have luggage... I just don't get that.
I take my helicopter