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The NY Times' T: Styles Magazine makes us a little crazy, what with all the luscious product shots with staggering price tags (there was even an ad for $650 FAKE flowers at Gracious Home). But Alexandra Jacobs' essay on the pains of birthday bill splitting really hit home.
Surely you've been invited to birthday dinners where you pray that the bill splitting will be handled with grace and tact (like the significant other throwing in a chunk of change to cover a good portion of it...or at least the S.O. can take the lead in figuring out the costs) but then it becomes people arguing, with their cell-phone calculators out. Or you've avoided going to someone's birthday once you find out what restaurant it's going to be at. It's a battle between the have and have-nots, too, as those watching their pennies order less yet still have to chip in as much as the dude who ordered the filet mignon. Which leads to this wise suggestion:
“I went to a dinner for a friend that ended with a girl calculating how many glasses of wine each person had had, dividing the cost of the bottle by glass and calculating how much each person owed,” said a Brooklyn-based lawyer. “Then she calculated the cost of what each person had had to eat, added in the birthday girl’s cost — you get the point. If you’re going to a party at a restaurant, you need to be prepared to split whatever the bill is. Then you can complain about it later to someone who wasn’t there.”How do you handle birthday party spending? Sometimes people do the smart thing and choose inexpensive places and also make people BYOB. Sometimes the birthday person has the waiter bravely keep different bills for everyone. And sometimes you just suck it up and vow to go to an even more expensive restaurant on your birthday for payback.
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A friend held his birthday in Chinatown. It was BYOB, but even springing for a six-pack or a bottle of wine wasn't bad given that I owed about $17 for my share of the food.
I went to my first big birthday gathering at a steak house in midtown. my naivete was shattered when I ordered sparsely and then ended up paying $60 because that's what everyone owed. next time I'll know better but that was a harsh initiation into new york social life that I would have been happy to go without.
Calculating to pay for only what you ordered displays a lack of class, and pure cheapskatery.
When with a group, it is more appropriate to all pay equal shares. If you can't afford it, you shouldn't have gone at all.
This extends to taking co-workers out because they're moving to a new position, leaving the business....now we either go to inexpensive places or have the food family style and everyone pay for their own drinks.
go to have fun. order what you want. expect to split things evenly. bitch later. enjoy
Here's my policy - no birthday dinners with any more than 5 people. Big group dinners always end up being a clusterf***, so they are best avoided like the plague.
Instead, meet everyone up later for drinks, and buy mister or ms. birthday a drink or two.
Supposedly, this person whose party you're going to is a friend of yours. Part of the gift you are giving is not being a total pain in the ass. Squabbling over money is to tactless, it's insulting. Order what you want without being a prick and just split the bill equally amongst yourselves. Dont harp over how much it costs, and remember to leave a good tip. Funny how people tend to forget they owe a share of the tip, and TAX too. How shitty is it when you're out for your birthday, you've had a fun meal, and then at the end everyone starts acting like cheapskates. It's embarrassing and could make you regrt you planned the thing to begin with.
Here's another tip: if it's your birthday, first pick an affordable restaurant (let your S.O. take you somewhere high end just the two of you if that's your bag) and then find an excuse to walk out when the check comes, that way you'll be spared the heartbreak of seeing what a bunch of petty selfish cheap bastards your friends are who can't behave themselves with any kind of dignity on your birthday.
Every situation is different. How can expect someone who doesn't drink alcohol pay for drinks, wine, or champagne?
While I think its somewhat crass for a person to calculate what other people owe, its okay for someone to calculate what he/she owes and put the appropriate amount in.
For a birthday dinner party, I put in what I owe [with appropriate amount for tip and tax] and then what I think is appropriate amount for the birthday boy/girl --- this depends on how well I know him/her and what they got me for my birthday. I think it's rude for the birthday boy/girl to expect his/her dinner to paid for.
If somebody plans the event and lets everyone know well in advance that the celebrant's expenses are being split, then the attending person only has himself/herself to blame.
Or ask for a separate check.
I like watching people at birthday dinners try to order inexpensive things because they think they will pay what they owe and sneak out. Never works. You just look like a bitch. Seriously, bitch later.
all my friends drink like fish and will spend money they don't have in order to have a good time with the people they love. if your friends are broke, be respectful! have a party at your house.
I only pay what I eat +tip +extra if it's for a birthday party or something. I'm mostly the reverse of a cheapskate though, my food is usually more, so everyone else usually pays less than they would if we split it evenly.
Why is this so hard? Everyone pays for his/her portion, and then just evenly divide amongst themselves the portion of the birthday guest of honor. My friends and I do this all the time and have never had to argue, and we never come up short!
I prefer to do something at my house. I can't stand when people invite other people out to a crowded bar, no drink specials, and call it a party (ladies...). Seriously. If you're not paying for it, it's not a real party for you, regardless of how hard you worked on your eVite
Wow. I've lived in nyc my whole life and never been to a birthday dinner (or any dinner with more than two people, for that matter) where we just split the bill. Usually we each pay for our own food and drinks and then divide the birthday boy or girl's share evenly. It's interesting to see that other people do it so differently.
The secret to dining in groups splitting the bill is to always order the filet mignon. You're going to pay for it anyway. Bon appetit!
always go into a group dinner figuring you will be paying the same as everyone else. if you have 10 people and the bill's $500 (including gartuity) then you all owe $50. I don't care if you don't drink alcohol or order a steak, you still owe $50. If you ask for a saperate check then you're bording on cheapness. if you will only pay what you ate, you more than likely will never be invited for a group dinner again, unless your $80 like my aunt and make a big stink about everything... but i think at 80-years-old you're allowed to be a jerk whenever you want, you've earned that right.
my fave is when people "leave early" and hand you a wad of cash and say it's all there... it's usually not and they're leaving early just so they can skip out on the tip or full payment... those people are the real cheap-bastards.
sorry for not spell-checking... i'm in a mad rush
When it's for my s.o., I just pay the whole thing. Once a year I pick up a $400-800; big whup, not like it's going to bankrupt me. When it's a friends b-day, we just divide it up evenly. Anything else just seems petty and uncouth.
After a friend's party fiasco, I'm sorely tempted to just pay for my next bday myself. At the very least I'll be damn sure to invite less than a squintillion people.
Vegetarians' meals ALWAYS cost at least a third less than everyone else's. Vegetarians should never be expected to subsidize the eating habits of others.
On another note: If you want to celebrate for a friend but are poor, isn't it better to at least show up and purchase what you can afford than it is to not go at all because you can't pay what others might be able to afford?
For my last big birthday three years ago (a milestone), I invited friends to Jean Georges. I told them first that it would be really expensive and secondly, that I was paying for my own dinner. Everyone who came (there were 8 of us) wanted to be there and could afford one splashy night out. I would never have done it if it hadn't been a big b-day and if people didn't want to join. We had a smashing time, even if the check came to over $1000. Can't wait for the next big b-day in 7 years...oh wait... yes I can.
With that said, a friend recently had a b-day dinner in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican place uptown. The food was cheap and good, and we were able to afford it, pay for her, and have mucho cervezas.
It's just best to split the bill between the participants. It's always pleasant to be 'grownups' where there is no arguing over the bill. I also hate that "But I didn't have any alcohol" moaning. Drives me nuts.
as a non-drinker, i always felt shafted when the bill came and i had to pay for the countless bottles/glasses of wine and cocktails that were ordered.. that shit can really add up!
now that i'm making decent money though, its not such a big deal. but it still peeves me when people try to get away with paying even LESS than they owe. wtf is up with that??
yes, vegetarians who don't drink always get screwed at these things. hate it, hate it, hate it. the problem is, if you unilaterally throw in just what's reasonable, it throws off everyone else.
there's a difference between being cheap and being fair, and i'm not sure that's being recognized in most comments here.
I always pick up the dinner tab if it is a party for myself or my wife. Let the friends pick up the drinks before and after... but if you go into the night realizing that you are paying, you are more likely to pick a reasonable place. Also... everyone walks away happy.
I bring mcdonalds and drink sizzurp out of styrofoam cups. that way i don't have to pay.
I think it depends on the cost difference between what you ordered and what your gluttonous friends ordered. If it ends up being just a few dollars, I usually just split it. But if it ends up being any more than that (if they had steak + champagne and I had a baked potato and water) then its just not fair. Why should some people be shut out of birthday parties just because they can't afford/don't want to be so glutenous? In fact I've been out drinking/to dinner several times when I've had just an ice tea and usually my friends get angry when I try to pay at all because its so little.
Especially those of us nondrinking vegetarians?
Though I will add that I have a few cheapskate friends who often DO NOT even cover their own ass and thats just ridiculous. For some reason they think that a 10% tip is reasonable because they don't believe in tipping/prefer a European model.. even though we don't have one and it screws the waitstaff. As long as people are willing to put it their meal + tax + 15% + your share of the birthday person's meal/tax/tip I have no problem splitting the bill...
Hell, I don't have a minor in mathematics for nothing.
Oh yeah, and lets not forget the fact that I am a poor graduate student and most of my (nearly) poor friends are working entry level jobs in marketing.
Veg, nope, it isn't better to come and be a pathetic downer. Your friend, however, should be more considerate and arrange part of the evening at a bar or somewhere where you don't have to be part of a joint tab. Then you can go to that and not to a dinner you can't afford.
It also depends, if paying is reciprocated, that's one thing, but if you've got friends who expect you to pay but would never pay in return, then screw 'em. ;) Maybe I know too many lawyers...
to the veggies and non drinkers and other cheapskate apologists, you're missing the point. there's a BIG difference between just going out with a big bunch of friends for dinner, in which case you should definitely only pay for what you believe your fair share is, and participating in a birthday dinner, at which bean-counting exactly how much your portion comes out to is just lame and tactless. if you're that broke, either stay home and find another way to celebrate your friend, or meet up with the crew later on for coffee, tea, chai, tempeh juice, gluten free pastries or whatever other lame shit you allow yourself to think you enjoy, so that your antics arent a downer to the rest of the party, and especially the b-boy or b-girl.
i've waited tables before and i know what it's like to be shafted by large birthday parties, so when i had 8 people out for my own birthday dinner i offered to pay the tip. that meant that everyone else had to battle out their cost of food and tax ONLY. not only did i end up paying 150% of what they all paid for their meal as a tip, i had to throw in extra to cover the ammount that they didn't come up with for the food. none of them can bitch to me about choosing a semi nice place when i paid about twice of what they all paid.
oh yeah and i HATE when people skip out early. don't they know that on average you're going to be putting down about 30% of the cost of your food to sufficiently cover your own tax and tip? i guess not, and that's why they don't even have the courtesy to stay for the entire dinner for their friend's birthday.
SP,
being poor and still attempting to have a good time with your friend while not trying to subsidize your other inconsiderate friends really is a bunch of antics, isn't it? not that I condone your "bean-counting" because, you're right, it is tactless, but a little class by the filet mingon ordering friends in realizing that not everyone at the dinner party is rolling in dough wouldn't hurt either. sometimes us poor folk like to have a good time too, and even though we shouldn't squabble over the bill since it's a celebration, equity in payment, while splitting the birthday boy/girls check, only seems reasonable.
The cheapskates are the big tab people who order expensive meals and drinks. They know their portion will be subsidized by the vegetarians and non-drinkers.
The problem goes both ways -- those who count how many slices of pizza everyone ate and those who order far more expensively than the rest of the group.
Clearly many of you just have thoughtless friends. When we go out with a group, we split the check without worrying about who ordered what.
However. If someone ordered something really expensive, they always say, "I'm going to throw in an extra twenty to cover my lobster." And I can't tell you how many times the couples who drank have offered to pay extra so that the couple that didn't can pay less. The difference is the offer.
All of you complaining about "cheapskates" are the reason I avoid eating out in large groups. You order the most expensive stuff and expect me to pay for it. You're also obnoxious at the table, and in normal situations you stiff the waitstaff, even though you make much more money than them, or me. Screw you.
cheap bastards.....
Definitely agree that such birthday dinner bills should be handled generously and in good grace, possibly in advance---no circling the table for an extra tenner while the guest of honor stares uncomfortably at the ceiling. If the amount of each person's dinner is roughly similar, everyone should pay the average (including some for the bday person). When in any doubt for your amount, round up.
That said, there should be some flexbility when you know that some guests have to pinch pennies. If you know that people might be anxious about the bill, sweating it out when one Wall Streeter orders the $50 steak, try to ease their burden. As a good host, even if you're the birthday person, you should keep your guests comfort in mind. In this scenario, you've invited them! Your friend may really want to celebrate with you; if they don't have hundreds to spend on dinner, it doesn't necessarily make them a downer.
One way of finessing this is to keep an eye out for a guest who's ordered a significantly less expensive meal, and then quietly let them know they only need to contribute $X, something less than the norm. At one recent dinner, there was a pregnant woman who couldn't join us in a few bottles of wine, so one friend slid some money from the pot back to her. It's just looking out for each other, aka being a considerate friend.
And I must admit, after getting financially drained by a friend's bday dinner party during which most people ordered expensive tasting menus (and I had something far cheaper), I had to decline any further party invites from her. I wasn't alone, and now she wonders why so few people celebrate her bday with her.
I usually don't eat too much, but on these ocassions, if someone is having wine, I order wine... desert, salad, the works... but this only with large groups.
Otherwise, I just add what I had, plus tax, tip (and birthday guy/gal portion) and that's it.
Yeah, cheapskate, so what?
In my experience, when people throw in "what they owe" (often after a few drinks), the total usually comes up short because people mentally round down, forget to include the appetizers and wine, and forget to add 20% for the tip, and then whoever is collecting the money has to make the rounds making people cough up a little more. It's a headache for everyone.
In my circle we usually pick an informal treasurer (someone who can handle division) when the bill comes, and they work out the total and say "everyone owes $X" and everyone else pays up and gets on with enjoying themselves rather than doing arithmetic. And yes, vegetarian teetotalers do get screwed in this system and if it's a big enough discrepancy the "treasurer" can work out two totals, one for them and one for everyone else. It rarely comes to that, though.
stop writing 1000 word comments you self righteous a%&holes
Interesting, I'm basically the opposite of Yaotl.
I usually order sparingly in an attempt to keep the bill from totally spiralling out of control and then pony up for (Total Bill / # people).
Inevitably I pay for more than I ordered, but who cares? It's a party!
I'm a server so I usually put the standard 18% gratuity on larger parties (6 or more) so I don't get screwed. I understand that as a customer in a large party you may think it is perfectly acceptable to ask for separate checks. It is not. I won't separate a check more than twice and I won't process more than 3 credit cards, 4 if it's a really large party (8 or more). It's too time consuming especially on a busy night. I will however gladly loan you a calculator.
Chunk's got it right... Everyone ponies up, but with my friends if someone goes nuts with their meal order or drinking, they always offer to toss in extra, and the same applies in the other direction. If someone isn't drinking, or isn't eating meat at a meat-ish place, someone is usually nice enough to offer to them to give in a little less, an offer usually declined.
I'm 100% for splitting the bill in these situations, but theres always the instance of some assclown (usually a woman who thinks shes too good to pay for the entire bill [Sorry Ladies, but its true]) purposely low-balls her portion and when it comes up short, OUT comes the cellphone calculators and a bill audit.
For a very very long time I didnt go to these dinners because I was poor, vegetarian and dont drink. I still am a tee totalling veggie, but now I throw in a little extra because I can afford it, and I know what its like to have to give up your total weekly allowance to celebrate a friend because your richer friends are fucking cheap.
Kojak:
I actually find it the opposite, its the men who can't seem to add right and stiff the poor waiter/waitress. Its a two way street for cheap jerks. Maybe because women are more sympathetic to the poor waitstaff?
Researchers from Michigan State University discovered that plants have a rudimentary nerve structure which allows them to feel pain.
While a great research breakthrough for scientists, the discovery causes a dilemma for strict vegetarians who don't eat animal products because of concerns about animal safety.
A group of vegetarians at the local Carrot Café restaurant shared their feelings.
"If a potato feels pain, I might as well eat a baby seal," said Carrie Selby of Lansing. "Or maybe, I'll try out that all-dirt diet I've heard so much about."
Meat lovers reported a much greater desire to devour a salad after hearing the news. "I knew it," exclaimed one carnivore, "those vegetarians act all high and mighty and they're just as big of killers as I am. Heck, even more so. Only one cow had to die to make my steak, but lots of plants were massacred to make that mixed green salad!"
People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables sprang up concurrently with the announcement. "We've placed picketers at cornfields around the country. Farmers grow these things so close together, the stalks barely have room to turn around and move," said PETV spokesperson William Wagner.
http://www.petv.org
I usually tell all my friends to meet me at a bar for drinks for my birthday - that way there's none of this huge birthday dinner b.s.
I did have one dinner for a "milestone" birthday, but the entrees were all similarly priced and we shared appetizers and bottles of wine so our cost at the end would've been essentially the same anyway. If it had seemed unequivocal, my friends are honest enough people to volunteer to pay extra if they got more. No need for squabbling or discussions of any kind.
Thanks, Jen, for doing this story. I somehow missed it in the Times and I just had a conversation (filled with frustration) with friends about this very issue!
Why's everybody spending so much time with cheapskates and assholes?
yeah, remind me never to go to dinner with a lameass vegetarian non-drinker
i wonder if they had hot potatoes for dinner...cause this is one HOT POTATO OF A NEWS STORY!!!!!!
;)
Kidding, love this site and chicagoist...and torontoist and shanghaist.
lurve
matty
from yayhooray on this subject:
"i usually drink a lot and pick exactly what i want on the menu at a birthday party, i never choose the cheap dish, i just go with the attitude like this is a time for gluttony and festivity, and then i never leave feeling like i got jipped. i am also very observant of what other people at the table order, so if someone gets just a side salad, when they bring the bill, i'll be the first one to be like, how about you just pay $____ and we will split the rest...."
-prude
ftw, imo
i keep a mental tab on what i ordered and put in the appropriate amount with a 20% tip, and ask what my share is to cover for the birthday girl or guy. if the pile of cash falls a bit short of the bill i'll toss in an extra few bucks, no big deal. i'm generally not a fan of the "divide equally" policy as an across-the-board thing, but once bottles of wine are shared and appetizers ordered for the table, i feel like that rule does automatically kick in (for anyone who partakes), if only for simplicity's sake. sometimes a person may be taking a break from drinking, trying to eat less, or is on a tight budget... it doesn't mean they should be financing everyone else's meals just so they can celebrate with their friend.
one of my college friends suckered me into going to his bday dinner 2 years in a row. all of his "friends" there insisted on splitting the bill evenly which came out to $50 per person. Me being conservative with my meal only hurt me. Argh!
I have been personally crusading against the big dinner for over 7 years. Six people should be the legal limit on tables. I'm involved in a grass roots movement specifically for single people called SABD (pronounced Saa Baa Doo) Single Against Big Dinners.
As far as the check goes I'm a big fan of credit card roulette. It's fast, easy, and everyone wins except the one guy who loses.
I'm sorry - but all you people saying "I keep track of what I ate/drank and then only pay for that" - that simply does not work with more than 5 or 6 people. Every time i have ever been out to a big dinner and everybody does this the bill is 20-40% under - and everyone swears that put in what they owed. Someone always screws it up. The only way to not spend an hour embarrassing yourselves is to split evenly - it sucks for the light eaters or the non-drinkers, but know that coming in and fill on up!
I had my birthday party last night. I went to the Union Square greenmarket, bought vegetables totaling up to about $40 and made a fresh, delicious pasta sauce for myself and all my friends.
It was BYOB. Cheap and delicious for everyone.
Good grief. I knew I led a sheltered life but I had to Google BYOB and SO :)
"But if it ends up being any more than that (if they had steak + champagne and I had a baked potato and water) then its just not fair."
You would totally not be invited to my birthday party.
- DO pay more than your fair share if you can afford it. People watching their pennies will round down. Don't embarrass them or the guest of honor. Just anticipate it and contribute 20% more right away.
- DON'T split the check or use separate credit cards. That's just obnoxious and declasse.
Personally, when I'm in this situation, I do tend to throw in more for my inevitably more expensive tab because I am a big eater and drinker and I realize how my order will impact the average, and also, SHOCKER, have covered for FRIENDS who were broke and yet still wanted to have fun. "Dont worry, get the ___, we can spot you." Thats not a problem and shouldnt be among friends. It's the people who are deliberately behaving like accountants at dinner that disgust me.
Closest person to the guest of honor is the treasurer unless he/she appoints somebody else. They should not be drunk. Their job is to check the bill for accuracy, check to see if tip is included, and calculate total amount of cash needed. They should then divide by number of guests and announce the "average cost per person" along with a reminder that people should put it more or less depending on how much wine they drank and how much they ordered. The bill should be placed in the center of the table for inspection by others. It's fair and not obnoxious. In my experience it usually works out perfectly, but small underages can be made up discreetly by the treasurer, who as the closest friend should just suck it up, and small overages should be distributed evenly or left to the waitstaff.
Here are my tried and true rules for these types of situations.
When you are the host, or guest of honor:
1. You can pick an expensive place, but then invite only your close friends, SO, and be willing to chip in. I have never had to, nor have I ever allowed a close friend of mine to pick up their share of the bday dinner, but it is still polite to offer.
2. If you are aiming for a larger group, try to go BYOB. This gives you a lot more flexibility. Guests can bring what they want to drink, and split the food cost. Or, the option that I really like is the host/ess or his/her SO pick up the dinner tab, and guests just worry about their alcohol. Plus, no one really complains about a free meal, and you can limit the menu choices. Pre order appetizers, and have a set list of entrees & maybe two deserts.
As a guest:
1. Don't be afraid to say no. We do not have to accept every invitation we are offered. I have often regretted spending $50 and up on a bday dinner for someone I am not that close too. You can always meet up later for a drink.
2. If the venue is trendy or expensive, expect to pay more, order what you would if you were out on your own, and be somewhat prepared to subsidize the people who down martinis as if they were water. It stinks, and I always struggle with it, but unfortunately there are a lot of assholes in this world and and we often have to deal with them. On the flip side, if your taste in booze runs towards single-malts and pricey wines, always offer to pony up more. However, never view the group dinner as a chance to "order up" and have your meal subsidized by someone else.
3. View your chunk of the tab for the guest of honor as his/her birthday gift. I only purchase gifts for very close friends, I simply don't have time to go shopping for everyone else. The birthday dinner saves you a trip to the store, or scouring the internet looking for an appropriate gift.
As an aside, I entertain all the time for work... I am generally spot on when it comes to guessing a restaurant bill or a bar tab. However, there is almost a large group tax... it's always about 20% more than what you would figure. Its just the way the world works.
Why is it that the people who tend towards alcoholism are the ones who want to split the bill evenly and then cry cheapskate if you choose not to subsidize their binge-drinking?
When I go out with friends, we always split the tab and never have a problem. There is one couple with whom we socialize who drink like fish. They always want to split the bill evenly. I agree to do so because I enjoy their company and because this is not an everyday occurrence.
I rarely dine with a group of people that I don't know well and generally avoid office birthday dinner parties.
go to places that offer prix-fixe dinners. duh.
"Glutenous" -- unintentionally hilarious.