Gothamist: The Hidden Cost of Your Friends Marrying

ethos

Thu, 10 May 2007 13:26:40 -0500

"But it was the couple's choice to get married, and have the wedding." Uh, yeah... and it's your choice to attend the wedding???? "If a couple can't afford to start a marriage off on their own without handouts from family and friends, perhaps they are not ready to get married." And if you can't afford to give even a small token of appreciation for being invited to share in their happiness, (even if it's a handmade gift or poem, if you're on a budget) then maybe you shouldn't show up at the wedding they worked hard to plan & pay for, filling your face & drinking yourself stupid. "And let's face it. Getting married is not that big of a deal. Having a kid, yes." In the immortal words of Chris Rock, "even roaches can breed." Samantha T doesn't sounds greedy to me, just happily married.

Eric C

Sun, 06 May 2007 16:49:32 -0500

"Come on. I think it's truly sad when people only see their relationship as legit once they get married." Is that what you tell your 7-year live-in girlfriend?

anon

Sat, 05 May 2007 11:01:33 -0500

The way I see it, if it was all about getting married, people would get married at city hall. That's what my parents did. But it's not. They just want the cash/gifts/attention. i wanted to marry in city hall. we chose to have a ceremony because our friends insisted. i guess i just have awesome friends.

well

Sat, 05 May 2007 03:24:25 -0500

"It's not a party - it's a wedding. It's a huge, huge event in a person's life, whether you wish to acknowledge that or not. Most people consider it as such and are happy to give the couple something to start their marriage off with." Right. But it was the couple's choice to get married, and have the wedding. Why should their friends subsidize it? If a couple can't afford to start a marriage off on their own without handouts from family and friends, perhaps they are not ready to get married. The way I see it, if it was all about getting married, people would get married at city hall. That's what my parents did. But it's not. They just want the cash/gifts/attention. And let's face it. Getting married is not that big of a deal. Having a kid, yes. A partner dying, yes. Getting married? Come on. I think it's truly sad when people only see their relationship as legit once they get married. A gift should come from the heart. And expecting one just bec you chose to get married is beyond tacky.

Samantha T

Fri, 04 May 2007 16:35:02 -0500

"God, I wish this was not true. I really don't get how it is rude to do that, yet not rude AT ALL to demand gifts from people you INVITE TO A PARTY." It's not a party - it's a wedding. It's a huge, huge event in a person's life, whether you wish to acknowledge that or not. Most people consider it as such and are happy to give the couple something to start their marriage off with. "i have friends that set up charity registries, but fortunately, i don't have shallow, greedy friends like samantha t." If you think that setting up something other than a charity registry is greedy, you are either independently wealthy or living in la-la land.

em

Fri, 04 May 2007 14:58:36 -0500

It's like people don't realize that the marriage is every single day AFTER the wedding. That's the important part, not some overpriced hours-long extravangaza of spending.

La Leone

Fri, 04 May 2007 14:20:43 -0500

In my adult life, which I consider to roughly be the last 12 years, I have not been to a single NYC wedding for an NYC couple. Almost all my friends are anti-marriage. This is for a variety of reasons, but I'd say mostly political. Or else they are really devoted to finding/following their passions in life. Sometimes just having a Mr./Ms. Right Now is enough. All of my friends who have the vague idea that they want to get married are way too nuts to find people that would actually marry them. That's what friend's are for. Thank you jesus, amen.

dug

Fri, 04 May 2007 14:08:05 -0500

i don't want friends that judge me on what i give them. my presence and support at the ceremony is valuable enough. i have friends that set up charity registries, but fortunately, i don't have shallow, greedy friends like samantha t.

hmm

Fri, 04 May 2007 13:30:08 -0500

"They're not assholes, though, if they're miffed that you didn't give them a wedding present after you attended the wedding." God, I wish this was not true. I really don't get how it is rude to do that, yet not rude AT ALL to demand gifts from people you INVITE TO A PARTY. If it really was about loving the person they are getting married to, there would not even be a need for gifts. But sadly, some people see a wedding as a giant ATM machine.

Samantha T

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:53:24 -0500

Rhympephile - it is textbook etiquette that the couple return the present to your mother. Your mother can't really ask for it without looking rude, but they should absolutely return the present. The engagement party registry is beyond the pale. Also, if you attend a wedding, you must give a present. It doesn't matter if you traveled or how much you spent on a hotel, you have to give something. It's rude as hell not to and, believe me, people notice. If you can't afford to attend the wedding and do the whole rigamarole, just be honest with the couple about it. If you don't attend the wedding, you need not give a present, so you're off the hook. I'd say a close friend/family member *should* give a present regardless of attendance, but that's not set in stone. If they don't understand, they're assholes. They're not assholes, though, if they're miffed that you didn't give them a wedding present after you attended the wedding.

anon

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:42:16 -0500

my own wedding was the first one i ever attended. we had 65 people in a art/bar space in brooklyn. no engagement party, and bachelor/bachelorette parties consisted of barhopping in the east village. no. big. deal. right? my cousin is getting married. 250 people. 100 girls at the shower. and i have to go to a 2nd engagement party for the other side of the family. like night and day we are. the difference? my parents & in-laws are non-religious and open to whatever i wanted. my cousins parents and in-laws are italian-catholic who've probably been planning this since her birth. luckly she's cool so i'm not too worried about bridezilla-ness.

ABC Girl

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:31:11 -0500

I have no idea why weddings bring out the finacial worst in people. All around me, people who are ordinarily intelligent suddenly become ignorant fools with something to prove once they announce they're getting hitched. Nothing is too expensive or extravagant. The larger the wedding, the better. The pricier the dress the better. The bigger the reception hall, the better. My sister- who's been married twice-- is still paying off both weddings. Her home went into foreclosure and her car got reposessed but she's got tons of photo albums of her two lavish weddings that she'll pull out in a second to show off with. Yes, she's my sister and I love her but she's a dumb a*s. Keep your wedding small and save all that money for a downpayment on a home or towards your future. My wedding is in a few weeks and that's exactly what we're doing.

RhymePhile

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:14:02 -0500

My mother went to an engagement party (her best friend's son) last year that had a registry. I couldn't believe the audacity of the party -- it wasn't for a wedding, but rather just the engagement! Of course, after she shelled out $300 for some silly piece of dinnerware (the bride-to-be had registered somewhere really expensive) the wedding was called off less than a year later. I wanted to know if she asked for her gift back, because I surely would have. I still don't know if that immature and thoughtless bride-to-be returned any of the gifts. By the way, the reason the wedding was called off was because she cheated.

Happily

Fri, 04 May 2007 11:13:16 -0500

dee bee

Fri, 04 May 2007 10:38:32 -0500

most weddings are EXPENSIVE and OFFENSIVE. most weddings and pre-wedding parties are done mostly out of vanity when they cost lots of money. if you have real friendships and not relationships based on pretense and being some sort of a disgusting social climber then you'll be less inclined to have an expensive wedding or party. there is no reason to burden people financially in such matters if they are really your friends.

wise

Fri, 04 May 2007 09:36:41 -0500

yyy: the post may have come across as childish unintentionally, but my larger point is that the wedding industry has turned weddings into ridiculous pagaentry. i have no desire for a lavish ceremony, or for my friends to drop a thousand dollars each between showers, bachelor parties, and wedding gifts to celebrate love, which is free. maybe we need to remember what marriage means rather than seeing it as another competition.

mawwiage

Fri, 04 May 2007 09:34:53 -0500

When I got married I had a very casual, non-extravagant wedding with less than 100 ppl. We were very conscious of not making ridiculous demands on our guests - I had no bachelorette party, no engagment party, no bridal shower, no bridesmaids. And many people gave us lovely gifts, while others contributed to the wedding in a creative way in lieu of gifts - which was awesome, becuase it saved us thousands of dollars to have friends who could DJ and make flower arrangements. Still, if you dont have parents who are paying for your entire wedding (though I realize many people do - we didn't), you will probably spend as much on your wedding as the amount you receive in gifts... I agree, weddings are out of control and if I said yes to every one I was invited to, especially out of town weddings, I'd be broke. I only go to out of town weddings if the people are really special to me, then it's worth it.

hmm

Fri, 04 May 2007 02:35:26 -0500

i can't stand ppl thinking i care as much about their wedding as they do. i am happy they are getting married and all, but jesus, i can think of many better ways to drop 1K then on some lousy reception hall eating overcooked chicken breast. i pretty much only go to the weddings of close friends now. last year i had to turn down the wedding of a casual friend who said, and i quote: "Damn. Do you know anyone else who could come and fill your space? You're like the third person I've asked." Dick. i also hate when people get married really far away and expect you to: shell out for airfare, use your few vacay days, shell out for hotel, new clothes, food, AND buy a gift. seriously. chances are they will be divorced in five years anyhow. there is some self-absorption gene that kicks in when ppl get engaged. if i never have to go to another wedding i will be happy.

ch

Fri, 04 May 2007 00:39:31 -0500

the few times i never give a gift is when: traveling out of state their guest list is more than 200 ppl. my 50$ (as a broke -married- graduate student) or garlic keeper isn't going to make any difference our wedding was done in his parents backyard in philly and people from brooklyn still bitched it was too far/impossible to get to.

rosewater

Thu, 03 May 2007 20:06:55 -0500

Douchebags all around, It's a long-time tradition that you give a gift if you are invited to and attend the wedding. In some ways, this makes sense. When you let someone into your life enough to ask them to be present at one of the biggest moments in your life, they will want to give you a gift. It could be purely transactional, but not always. I had a wedding which many of my friends had to travel long-distance to, and some of them didn't get us gifts. But I didn't mind because I knew the sacrifice in time and money they'd made to be there. That's the most important part. On the other hand, when invitations weren't reciprocated, I found it hard to give these same friends gifts.

Joe

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:43:03 -0500

I think the rise in "destination" weddings is also due to our roving culture. I've been to many out-of-town weddings that were near the bride or groom's parents or childhood home. People move around alot and want to return home to marry. Whether that's in Dubuque or Palm Beach, the flights get expensive.

douchebags all around

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:40:41 -0500

It goes both ways. Apparently if you don't pay for a catered dinner for your friends, they won't even send a card (forget about a gift). My wife and I pseudo-eloped i.e. we flew off to California to get married enroute to honeymoon in South Pacific. A few close friends came with us. All of our friends that we had dropped hundreds of dollars on in the previous few years stiffed us.

Lost in LV

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:39:33 -0500

Is anybody depressed about the demise of red-blooded bachelor parties? Drinking, strippers, gambling, smoking cigars? Now you're just as liable to get asked to a spa weekend. I don't get it. When I had mine, I asked my friends to make it a seriously licentious affair. And it was, in Brian's words, "freakin' awesome." And I will never, ever do it again. I'm a sensitive guy, don't do this kind of thing on my own time, I'm not a misogynist, but, hell, a bachelor party is a bachelor party, not a scout meeting. (Then again, I did have it in town. The whole out of town, all weekend thing, can be a real financial bummer for all but your best friends.) What's the world coming too.

yyy

Thu, 03 May 2007 18:52:44 -0500

dear wise: while i feel for your inability to have your own 'wedding' and I wish you could get married. Whats to stop you from having an equally lavish commitment ceremony? Thus demanding the same amount of gifts/ridiculousness. I thought getting married was about sharing love, not some silly legal document (though I understand that its important). If you ask me, you seem a little bit vindictive about something not particularly in the control of your friends (not to mention extremely cynical). While I think you should have the right to get married, that doesn't mean that you should expect others not to get married in solidarity. Should I only expect gifts from my straight friends? Even if they are perpetually single? Should I not invite my gay friends if I get married because it might offend them? Sorry if this doesn't make sense, basically I'm just saying you sound a bit childish if you ask me.

Brian

Thu, 03 May 2007 18:01:54 -0500

I just got back from a bachelor party in Toronto. It was three days long. I had to pay for a flight, cab from airport, a hotel, a pricey dinner, bar covers, endless drinks, go cart racing, baseball tickets, strippers, AND the cost ofset for the groom's stuff. Not to mention the $200 jack daniels bottle service we ordered at 3 in the morning. All and all I might have dropped a grand. AND IT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous

Thu, 03 May 2007 17:51:55 -0500

call me a secular, elitist heathen, but I believe that marriage is obsolete. What's the point. I feel like most marriage is done to prove something to yourself or others, and perhaps done out of fear.

Me

Thu, 03 May 2007 17:27:38 -0500

I went to a destination wedding in Puerto Rico last spring and it was great! Totally worth it, and I'm now a bit upset that all of my friends getting married in the next year are doing it in NY or NJ. Give me a reason to get out of work and into the sun. That being said, I don't really like constantly shelling out the cash for registries. My boyfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have decided that if we are to get married, it will be in our upper 20s or early 30s, when most of our friends are stable and can afford some serious registry gifts. PAYBACK!

SP

Thu, 03 May 2007 17:16:08 -0500

this is not representative of the majority of people. anyone who needs to spend that much money on their wedding is an asshole anyway.

bobster

Thu, 03 May 2007 17:11:11 -0500

The people who have these pricey weddings and showers and bachelor parties are generally complete tools. And Jason DiFeo, nice that you're so liquid but...you're a tool too just for saying this.

wise

Thu, 03 May 2007 17:10:45 -0500

seriously weddings have gotten out of control. as a gay man i will attend my friends weddings only (no bachelor parties or showers) and if i have to travel more than 100 miles or rent a car to get there, no gift. sorry! but until i can get married and see the same in return, i will not feed this extravagant nonsense. half of them will end in divorce anyway!

cheep cheep

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:57:59 -0500

And when married, these are the people who will try to bargain and haggle like nobody's business. When is the countdown clock starting? any religious nuts know?

enuz

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:57:55 -0500

note to people who are getting married: no one gives a crap about your wedding. no one. not even your best friend. be nice and have a wedding in town and find a cheap hotel for everyone. remember. don't be a dick

Suze

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:46:18 -0500

What you spend in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Cha-CHING! Suckers.

what about LOVE?

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:40:03 -0500

Consume, consume, consume . . . must . . . CONSUME.

adam

Thu, 03 May 2007 16:39:29 -0500

If you're single, it also happens to be the time to find some new, replacement friends. Because watch your lives diverge