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You may know Vincent Gallo best from his amazing movie Buffalo66, or his excretable movie Brown Bunny, or from his 1980s career as a musician and famous painter, or from leaning against that wall opposite Cafe Havana on Elizabeth Street, staring moodily into space. Now, courtesy of his website, you can take some of that magic and put it where you've always wanted it: in your womb! Funny parts in bold:
Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.**Clicking "Buy Now" will charge a $1,000 deposit via Paypal. The remaining balance will be due by cashiers check, wire transfer, or personal check and is due within seven days of purchase date. Item will ship when full payment has cleared.
Seems like a bargain to us at $1 million dollars! Of course, if you are infertile, or a man, the sperm is probably worth less, but still might make a great facial moisturizer, or amusing collectible! [Via Cityrag-- we can't believe we missed this, either!]
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Is it me or is that sick and disturbing?
It's not just you.
The most shocking thing about this post is the revelation that Gallo is drug, alcohol, and disease free. You better get the paperwork on that.
I assume this is a joke. But I find it funny that Jake didn't find this part funny. Very telling about Jake.
"Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration."
>>his excretable movie Brown Bunny
Nice faux pas...I think you mean execrable, but either word works.
www.forgotten-ny.com
"For the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount."
This is disgusting. I can't believe Gothamist isn't even commenting on the outright racist platform he's selling his sperm from.
hah! gallo is brilliant
Very, very odd and scary.
No dark complexions; Jews are okay and will get good reviews in Hollywood?
This man has a huge ego, insane sense of self-worth for a marginal talent. He needs serious help.
Want more? Take a read of this on his site:
http://www.vincentgallo.com/music/
Or just click on my name above.
To my untrained eyes the site is a rather over-the-top hoax, not unlike the General Zod For President one. Still, the Snopes guys never got to the bottom of it, and the man does take himself rather seriously.
Being as he's a pretensious, talentless, and wildy arrogant jackass, does anyone find this shocking? He's a goof
Ooops, no, it's obviously his work. Linked from his official site, and squares with what he's said in interviews in the past. No, I don't think the man has a sense of humour either.
Cough, cough... MASTER RACE... cough, cough...
I heard a hell of a date rape story about him, which is no surprise. Someone needs to take a giant dump on his doorstep.
Um, this "news" about Vincent Gallo has been all over the internet since November. Short on content today, Jake? Also, I know you're all about free-form "jazz" and whatnot when it comes to your "reporting", but it's spelled and pronounced Cafe Habana not Cafe Havana...unless you're planning on getting all Cuban Revolution on their asses.
Vincent Gallo and his Amazing Spermacolor Dreamcoat can be found in the November pages of the following sites:
See it here: http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/gallo%20offers%20sperm%20for%20sale
Here: http://www.gawker.com/news/peta/remainders-vincent-gallo-wants-you-to-pay-for-his-seed-135136.php
And here: http://www.cinemaeye.com/index/movienews/more/vincent_gallo_sells_his_sperm_online/
Oh, and here, too: http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17720,00.html?fdnews
p.s. I can't believe no one gets Mr. Gallo's humor. Seriously, folks, wake up.
To bad he isn't ugly-free. Who wants HIS genes?!?
Why won't you post my comment? It's completely valid. If you're going to post challenging comments such as the ones on the infamous skywriting post, why can't you post my harmless and FACTUAL one? Unless that whole heated exchange was a publicity hoax...
didn't gawker cover this a few months ago already? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
laila: skywriting post as a publicity hoax? did you even read the post you are refering to or it's comments? because it was neither good publicity for gothamist nor did it have anything to do with skywritting. and are you sure your comments didn't just get caught in a filter (another issue coverd in the comments of that post)? 'cause it seems to me the gothamisters certainly don't screen each comment until after they've been posted...
as for mr. gallo's sperm: fucker lives in a glass house... anybody got a sniper rifle i can borrow?
I imagine this is gallo's response to the eternal question of 'how do lenny kravitz and vincent gallo have such fat bank accounts?" must both be trust funders.
My original post might have contained an objectionable word or two; however, my point was this: this Vincent Gallo thing is OLD. To echo the poetic prose of Qbertplaya above, "zzzzzzzzzzz".
These "controversial" findings were first reported on by numerous blogs back in November (specifically eonline.com, contactmusic.com, and the beloved gawker.com). It must be a slow day for Jake to be commenting on this 2 months late. Besides, what's the big deal? This is just another example of Gallo's twisted humor, and you can choose to laugh or not. He may love to whip up the controversy, but in real life, he's a nothing but a kitty cat.
One more thing, and this is for you, Don't Be the Bunny, I DID read the comments on the skywriting post. They were hysterical! I especially like the part where Jake said that typos and such were part of the free-form "jazz' style of "reporting" done here on Gothamist. I am a fan of this site, but c'mon, dude! That's ridiculous! It doesn't take much to proofread.
If you'd like some help on this post right here, might I suggest changing Cafe "Havana" to its correct title of Cafe Habana? I'm sure they'd appreciate it.
laila, you need to get laida.
Wow, homeopt. Witty. Are you offering?
only if you're 'open minded' ;) give me a call.
this is awkwardmtoo tell the truth i never heard of this guy till now and i think its gross,hmm,maybe tahts just me,dont waste yuour money on such a pointles thing waste it on something more useable,car?get your self a nice treat ok!
this is obviously a joke. most people don't understand his sense of humor.
i think this part is when it starts to be a dead giveaway, "If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt."
but the sad part is he's gotten at least one interested, serious buyer.
Am I the only one who thinks that perhaps it's well past time that this idiot went to a shrink & started making up for lost time in the medication department? What's next? Is he going to build a statue of himself out of his own feces?
As for genetic deformities... one only has to take a look at his face to see the big lie in that. He looks like the bastard love child of Charles Manson & a pissed off male ape.