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Every so often, we come across a post so hilariously funny and misanthropic that it deserves to be quoted in its entirety. Michael Orell over at Metroblogs' NYC site has written just such a post in response to his neighbors waking him up at 4am last night. Suggestion for Mike: probably best to stay away from caffeine and sharp objects for at least a couple of weeks:
The following is the note I left on my neighbor’s front door this morning on my way to work after they woke me at 4am up with a wonderful symphony of screams, laughter and bloodhound wailings. Unable to fall back asleep, I scribed the below…Thomas/Darlene -
It’s all fun n’ games until you wake me up at 4am with the crashing of glass against our communal wall. God, I hate you. Why hasn’t one of you stabbed the other one? I will loan you a knife. Shit, you don’t even have to return it. That’s the kind of neighbor I am. Firstly, I wanted to address some of the points brought up last night throughout the course of your fight in an effort to problem solve. I think you’ll find my solutions most agreeable.
1) “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Thomas I believed you bridged this topic last night in response to Darlene’s vacation to lunacy wherein two minutes of uncontrollable laughter was accompanied by five minutes of sobbing. The answer you seek is “a fuckload.” The solution: stab her. Stab her good.
2) “Why are the police here?”
First and foremost, I wasn’t the one who called the cops. I’m a firm believer in uninterrupted mediation. The local constabulary only made things worse didn’t it? Something about your last warning and jail, hmmmm? If you didn’t make so much noise, nobody would feel the need to call them. Solution: stab eachother in the jugular. You can still fight all you want, but it’ll be like fighting with the volume on mute.
3) “Why don’t you fucking leave?”
Why doesn’t Thomas leave you Darlene? *Cough* co-dependent *cough* unemployed. I don’t know. You’re a diseased gutter squirrel and he should have stabbed you a long time ago. Solution: stab him first. You see him eyeing your stomach, that bulbous mound of veiny cookie dough you stuff with Kraft singles and Wild Turkey with? Any man who knows his Oz knows that’s where you shank your victim to maximize both the pain and the amount of blood loss. Better get him, before he gets you is all I’m saying.
In closing, die.
- 1C
Yikes! Orell sounds like he could teach Number One Fire Perv Peter Braunstein a thing or two about sadism!
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LOL- I hope he stuck the note to the door with a steak knife.
As a neighbor to fighters- I feel for him.
Oh Wow, hope we don't read about this guy in the News!!
This is an example of why I live in a Detached house...
Leave the Braunstein jokes to Gawker please. Mucho unfunny on this site.
1C is a god. I wish I had the balls. I'd be scared they'd come stab me.
Absolutely beautiful. My neighbors hump waaaay to loudly (actually, I don't hear him at all, just the gir's bloodcurdling screams that pierce throughout the building), and I once left them a polite note requesting that he buy her a ball gag. It worked for about 4 months...other than being really annoying when I'm trying to sleep at 3am, or when entertaining a guest at 3pm, I don't want the nice old lady on the 3rd floor to think it's me. I've actually considered putting a note on my mailbox with the phrase, "it's not me!"
That was the most hilarious screed to a neighbor I have ever read. Kudos to Mr. Orell. I'm surprise he was able to write such witty sentiments with less than his usual 8hrs of beauty rest. Though I do hope he will take the mantel and write the eulogy/obit to Thomas/Darlene when they do follow through with his constructive suggestion. I can't wait to read it.
very, VERY, well written. i wish i could put my thoughts on a page as eloquently as "1C" did.
marvelous.
The outcome of this will surely be in the NY Post in days to come.
I look forward to a Gothamist follow-up as well. Thanks for making my day.
I actually don't find this funny at all, even though can understand the writer's frustration at being woken up in the middle of the night.
This is domestic violence, plain and simple. It won't end until more of this couple's neighbors call the police and drag one or both of them off for assualt or something like that. Why root for murder?
Sounds like a sad situation made trivial. Sorry to be a funhater, but writing a note and leaving it on the door will probably do little to stop future disturbances. Call the police if you really want it to end.
And with that, S brings the amusement to a record-skipping halt. Maybe you didn't read the whole thing, but the police were called.
Lemme guess, you don't get invited out much.
hilarious!
i read that the police were called, but that the letter writer wasn't the one who called. if multiple people call in a complaint, the police might be more likely to take real steps to protect this couple from each other.
seems a bit self-centered to think that the biggest problem in all of this is that someone can't sleep.
depending on other people to call the police sometimes results in no one calling.
Suddenly living in a house on Staten Island is really nice. :-)
As someone who once in a similar situation I'd rather have a neighbor like "S" than some snarky, pompous a--hole like Orell.
We all have been in a bad fighting situations before. Heck, a neighbour called la policia on me and my ex when we had really loud violent-sounding fight. But it stopped there. And we both tried to be more civilized in resolving our problems the next time around. Darlene and her co-fighter on the other hand, choose to fight, police, repeat. I think people have called police for them before, cuz 1C overheard "this is the last time, next time jail." These people, during their heights of emotional whatever, are being totally inconsiderable a**holes! Living in the city requires people to be mindful of their neighbours. This couple refused, again and some more, to take responsibility and be good city dwellers. I have no sympathy for them until they take some constructive actions. Or pills. Or get stabbed. thanks!