Was It A Date or Are We ?

I went on what I would call a "date" recently with a man I just met. He asked me out for coffee, and we went out together and had a nice time. Then, when I saw him again recently, he told me that he had a girlfriend but that he still wanted to "hang out" with me. He also told his girlfriend he had made a new friend who he invited out to lunch. What gives? Should I continue to hang out with this guy? Is he interested in me romantically or does he really want a platonic hip?
- CG

It's difficult to know what this guy's intentions are. Whether or not he wants a new friend or a "special friend" probably depends on the status of his relationship with his girlfriend. Are they in a serious, committed relationship or is he (to quote High Fidelity) "maybe, kind of looking around for someone else?" Either way, it sounds like he's probably not great dating material for you at this time.

If you believe that he really wants to be with you, and you'd like to be platonic with him as well, why not tell him that you'd love to hang out again with him AND his girfriend. You could say something like, "I'd love to have lunch next time with you and your girlfriend. After hearing about her, I'd really like to meet her and get to know her, too." If he accepts the invitation,you could be reasonably sure that he's sincere about a platonic hip. If he acts squeamish about it, then chances are he's probably looking for " with extra." In that case, Ask Gothamist advises you to delete his phone number, erase his e-mail address, and find someone to date who isn't heavily involved with somebody else already.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@gothamist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By Janine Annett in Miscellaneous on August 2, 2004 9:31 AM

Comments [rss]

Tristan Pascarelli

Goggle Gropups might be usefull for it.

http://groups.google.com/

.......

Tristan Pascarelli

(omorshon)

murakami

yeah, this is a strange "oh by the way." I think it's common courtesy to slip in a "my girlfriend" comment beforehand. But, guessing my own intent is hard enough, let alone guessing someone else's...

erikka

People *can* make friends of the opposite sex, but this is a little more sketchy. He should have told her about the girlfriend from the start to make it clear that the outing was not a date.

RUidh

Forget him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to break up with his girlfriend and he wanted to test the water and maybe line up the next one in order to ease the transition. And, as it turns out, he's not ready to jump ship yet. The guy is a worm, give up on him.

lana

I reject the notion that people can't make new friends of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship... but from your point of view, I'd only pursue the friendship if you have no romantic feelings toward the guy.

BrianVan

Alternate point of view from a man:

* If this guy didn't already have a relationship, would you think he was pursuing you? If so, then he's pursuing you. (Of course, this line of thinking makes you reflect on your own perceptions, but don't get too caught up in that. Trust your radar.)

* What do YOU want to do? Do you really want to pursue him? You know, with all things considered: his friendly demeanor, his (perhaps lack of) loyalty to his girlfriend, his overall (perhaps lack of) honesty... If so, do you care that he has a girlfriend? Do you want to pursue him regardless, and rob him from her? Are you just going to be his friend and camp-out for a while until he breaks up with his girlfriend?

I would say that, if you really do think of him as a new friend and he's acting friendly, then you don't have to run away. If you think you want him romantically, it's best that you don't; remove the thought from your head.

If you think he's being tricky in any way, then, yes, it's best that you get away quickly. However, if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't want that single fact to prevent me from having any other female friends; therefore, I wouldn't advise to just kick him to the curb without another thought... consider it, do what you must do, and don't let emotions get in the way.

Liz

Ugh, been there, done that. Run while you still can.

Common Sense

Woman can be so sweetly naive sometimes. Take it from a man: This guy is looking to fool around. Take my word for it. There's a 5% chance he's not. As in most cases, the most likely explanation is probably the correct explanation.

Lux

It's also possible that he and his girlfriend have an open relationship. Of course, if that's the case, it would really behoove him to be upfront about it.