Gothamist: His cheating heart, in the 21st Century

Linda

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 21:12:09 -0500

i need to know i been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we get along pretty good but lately hes been acting funny we dont talk much and he says hes got alot of work on the computer to do he owns his own moving company but it hurts my feelings and we use to have sex all the time now we go a little over a week lately i need help and advice i love him more then i have anyone thank you Linda

gorgeous

Sun, 23 May 2004 17:38:17 -0500

i've recently experienced a partner invading my privacy and checking my emails.. including past emails from my ex before him.. we had only known each other since oct last year, but i had fallen madly in love with him and felt he was my soul mate.. i am independent and work for myself from home.. i had no passwords set up as i have nothing to hide.. and expected more of him.. he must have been looking for something to help him leave as he was insecure and i couldn't seem to reassure him.. he used an email to a friend - who i had originally met on line - in which i confided about simons jealous possessive behaviour which was getting me down, asking for advice - as evidence of disloyalty.. i tried to get to the bottom of it all, discussing how his insecurity was at the root of it all, and he would swing from acknowledging that there was nothing, and saying its not that i don't trust you to calling me evil and out to destroy him... i couldn't take anymore, things just wouldn't settle down he wanted to talk and talk and ask me 1000's of questions, but still was anxious and creating drama.. so i said that his behaviour was unacceptable and that i needed him to stop accusing me and sort this out, even suggesting couple therapy.. anyway.. i have cut off all contact now.. but feel sad and lost, betrayed and confused as to how and why this has happened.. in an effort to understand i have been researching possessive jealousy and spying on your partner and am horrified at the stuff i am seeing including software to spy and people saying its a good thing i am an idealist i know but surely its not love to spy on your partner.. i believe in trust.. if i were feeling insecure or worried i would have to discuss it with my partner - it maybe just how i am feeling and not based on reality.. people are losing the plot with regards to respectful relationships.. we are supposed to come together as whole individuals not expecting the other to be ours but be with us.. and treat them with love and respect.. and ourselves with love and respect.. spying is a loss of dignity for the snooper.. it can never be right he has gone off now and lives in a fantasy world where he feels that he was right to spy on me cos he found what? nothing but to look is to obsess about finding something something that will take the pain away, prove that your feelings are right... and if you don't find it, well you find whatever you want to give you what you need, and invariably if you that desparate you would not want to face yourself and say whoops i got it wrong i have a problem.. cos that is much harder to deal with than lay it on someone else.. i wish i could have helped him see that.. but you can't help someone who doesn't want to face themselves.. it was hard to let go and in a way my writing now is a sign that i haven't fully as i am a loving caring person and it distresses me knowing he is distressed with this fantasy of my not loving him when i do... but then there;s the fact that in amongst all this does he love me? this isn't very loving is it maybe the person who spies is really the one with doubts.. either a committment phobic who is looking for a way out and a way to blame the other and not simply leave its all very sad.. and seeing all of this betrayal and spy software and people's opinions about relationships fills me with despair.. am i the only one looking to be accepted respected loved understood forgiven trusted with honesty and integrity.. i;m not perfect noone is.. its about clear honest communication and giving each other space to be, sharing life without dragging each other down, supporting not stiffling, being proud not jealous... being free and accepting the others free will and within that going on lifes journey together... am i alone in that belief?

Tee Dub Chi

Thu, 06 May 2004 13:25:09 -0500

It's not really cheating to flirt on-line while in a relationship, but if it bothers your partner, a good mate would refrain. Doing it on the sly is just dishonest. It reminds me of how a partner might feel if one were flirting face to face with someone else. You wouldn't call it cheating, but there might be a fight about it. I think the flirting one might want to ask how they would react if the opportinity to go beyond flirting presented itself. This gets to one's intention, realistic or not.

SR

Wed, 05 May 2004 16:44:47 -0500

This same scenario kind of happened to me - though my man was essentially having IM sex chats with anonymous women and also trading pictures with them. I found the evidence on MY computer. He got mad at me and claimed it was all innocent. And maybe it was, but I never really got over it. It's not fun to discover this kind of activity at all, and I think a rule of thumb should be that if you imagine yourself feeling unconfortable doing it, then it's probably wrong. I don't think you'll ever fully trust this guy again - best to be with someone who makes you feel secure. It's really not much to ask.

JL

Wed, 05 May 2004 13:03:53 -0500

I totally don't think you did something wrong. I discovered my ex was cheating (with a "friend" of mine) the same way several years ago. And, at the time, I didn't even know what was in the history file! (Neither did she, I guess.) Anyway, ultimately I'm so glad I got out of the relationship before I became even more attached and even more integrated into her life. (We also lived together.)

blogga, please

Wed, 05 May 2004 12:08:41 -0500

"First did you do anything wrong? No. All you did was check the internet history of your own computer: There's absolutely nothing wrong with that." I beg to disagree. He obviously thought his e-cards could not be viewed, and living togehter, it's reasonable to assume one's correspondance is private. To use a tangible analogy - if you leave a letter posted on a refrigerator door, you can't expect it to be private. But if you have a letter, in an envelope, in a dresser drawer (whether it's her dresser that they are sharing or not) - that's private. But more importantly *she knew* he thought they were privat, and *she had a gut feeling* she was doing something wrong when she viewed those e-cards. However you rationalize it, *she knew.*