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I recently started dating someone whom I had been acquainted with for more than 15 years. We began seeing each other and he immediately "moved in" with little discussion about it; we lived together for six months.
Things were going well, until I realized that he was receiving emails from women he met in chat rooms and other women from his past. After that, I guess I kinda "lost it" and became curious. While checking the history file, I came across some e-cards.
He accuses me of "spying" and not giving him his privacy. I did not go into his email - I viewed the history on my computer. I had earlier told him that I had major issues with cheating due to my previous relationship with a cheater.
He became upset, and after a couple of months, left my home. He has not come back or called for a couple of weeks - I expect he will return one day to retrieve his belongings.
I am not proud of "spying" (as he calls it). In a way, it might have ended up hurting me. It allowed me to question his sincerity in our relationship and it also brought up some of my insecurities.
Do you think that I did anything wrong? If so, should I apologize? Should I explain how I was able to view the e-cards-which will allow him to erase future e-cards? I hope that we can discuss this, but he does not communicate well and he is very secretive (an ex-cop). I do care a lot for him and would like to continue the relationship.
In this Internet-savvy century, the question often arises - if someone is chatting with women online while the significant other is asleep in the other room, is that cheating?
There are a couple of questions being asked here. First, did you do anything wrong? No. All you did was check the internet history on your own computer: there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's not like you hacked into his email or went out of your way to track down chat room transcripts. It isn't spying to check the history on your own computer. There isn't really a reasonable expectation of privacy there.
Second, is he cheating? Hard to say. The e-cards and chat room correspondence could just be innocent flirting. However, since you told him that you were especially sensitive about cheating, he could have been more attuned to that. It is a bit suspicious that he reacted the way he did when you confronted him, so it may be that even in his own mind he was cheating, even though chatting with anonymous women on the internet is kind of a gray area.
You shouldn't apologize, but if you really want to continue the relationship, you need to talk to him about these women he talks to online. Ask him for an explanation. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. However, it might be too late. If he's moved out, the relationship is probably over, and this may be a good thing for you. Yes, it's hard to recover from something like that, but you should find someone who respects you, which this guy doesn't seem to do.
I'll throw the question out to the reading public, too. What do you think about flirting with people online if you are already in a relationship? Is it cheating?
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"First did you do anything wrong? No. All you did was check the internet history of your own computer: There's absolutely nothing wrong with that."
I beg to disagree. He obviously thought his e-cards could not be viewed, and living togehter, it's reasonable to assume one's correspondance is private. To use a tangible analogy - if you leave a letter posted on a refrigerator door, you can't expect it to be private. But if you have a letter, in an envelope, in a dresser drawer (whether it's her dresser that they are sharing or not) - that's private.
But more importantly *she knew* he thought they were privat, and *she had a gut feeling* she was doing something wrong when she viewed those e-cards. However you rationalize it, *she knew.*
I totally don't think you did something wrong. I discovered my ex was cheating (with a "friend" of mine) the same way several years ago. And, at the time, I didn't even know what was in the history file! (Neither did she, I guess.)
Anyway, ultimately I'm so glad I got out of the relationship before I became even more attached and even more integrated into her life. (We also lived together.)
This same scenario kind of happened to me - though my man was essentially having IM sex chats with anonymous women and also trading pictures with them. I found the evidence on MY computer. He got mad at me and claimed it was all innocent. And maybe it was, but I never really got over it. It's not fun to discover this kind of activity at all, and I think a rule of thumb should be that if you imagine yourself feeling unconfortable doing it, then it's probably wrong.
I don't think you'll ever fully trust this guy again - best to be with someone who makes you feel secure. It's really not much to ask.
It's not really cheating to flirt on-line while in a relationship, but if it bothers your partner, a good mate would refrain. Doing it on the sly is just dishonest.
It reminds me of how a partner might feel if one were flirting face to face with someone else. You wouldn't call it cheating, but there might be a fight about it.
I think the flirting one might want to ask how they would react if the opportinity to go beyond flirting presented itself. This gets to one's intention, realistic or not.
i've recently experienced a partner invading my privacy and checking my emails.. including past emails from my ex before him.. we had only known each other since oct last year, but i had fallen madly in love with him and felt he was my soul mate.. i am independent and work for myself from home.. i had no passwords set up as i have nothing to hide.. and expected more of him.. he must have been looking for something to help him leave as he was insecure and i couldn't seem to reassure him.. he used an email to a friend - who i had originally met on line - in which i confided about simons jealous possessive behaviour which was getting me down, asking for advice - as evidence of disloyalty..
i tried to get to the bottom of it all, discussing how his insecurity was at the root of it all, and he would swing from acknowledging that there was nothing, and saying its not that i don't trust you to calling me evil and out to destroy him...
i couldn't take anymore, things just wouldn't settle down he wanted to talk and talk and ask me 1000's of questions, but still was anxious and creating drama.. so i said that his behaviour was unacceptable and that i needed him to stop accusing me and sort this out, even suggesting couple therapy..
anyway.. i have cut off all contact now.. but feel sad and lost, betrayed and confused as to how and why this has happened..
in an effort to understand i have been researching possessive jealousy and spying on your partner and am horrified at the stuff i am seeing including software to spy and people saying its a good thing
i am an idealist i know but surely its not love to spy on your partner.. i believe in trust.. if i were feeling insecure or worried i would have to discuss it with my partner - it maybe just how i am feeling and not based on reality..
people are losing the plot with regards to respectful relationships.. we are supposed to come together as whole individuals not expecting the other to be ours but be with us.. and treat them with love and respect.. and ourselves with love and respect.. spying is a loss of dignity for the snooper.. it can never be right
he has gone off now and lives in a fantasy world where he feels that he was right to spy on me cos he found what? nothing but to look is to obsess about finding something something that will take the pain away, prove that your feelings are right... and if you don't find it, well you find whatever you want to give you what you need, and invariably if you that desparate you would not want to face yourself and say whoops i got it wrong i have a problem.. cos that is much harder to deal with than lay it on someone else..
i wish i could have helped him see that.. but you can't help someone who doesn't want to face themselves..
it was hard to let go and in a way my writing now is a sign that i haven't fully as i am a loving caring person and it distresses me knowing he is distressed with this fantasy of my not loving him when i do...
but then there;s the fact that in amongst all this does he love me? this isn't very loving is it
maybe the person who spies is really the one with doubts.. either a committment phobic who is looking for a way out and a way to blame the other and not simply leave
its all very sad.. and seeing all of this betrayal and spy software and people's opinions about relationships fills me with despair..
am i the only one looking to be accepted respected loved understood forgiven trusted with honesty and integrity.. i;m not perfect noone is.. its about clear honest communication and giving each other space to be, sharing life without dragging each other down, supporting not stiffling, being proud not jealous... being free and accepting the others free will and within that going on lifes journey together...
am i alone in that belief?
i need to know i been living with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we get along pretty good but lately hes been acting funny we dont talk much and he says hes got alot of work on the computer to do he owns his own moving company but it hurts my feelings and we use to have sex all the time now we go a little over a week lately i need help and advice i love him more then i have anyone thank you
Linda