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The guy I've just begun dating lives and works way out in New Jersey (read: there's no PATH nearby), and it's wearing on our ability to develop a real relationship. We both get home from work late at night, and by that time the commute (approx. an hour) is too much for either of us to make. Everything between us is wonderful, but I'm beginning to think that I should say goodbye to him and focus my efforts on finding a NYC-dwelling man.
Darlene, UpperWest Side (aka: far from NJ)
First off, have you recently been to Urban Outfitters? If not, then make a quick trip and get your man a "New Jersey: Only the Strong Survive" t-shirt. It's a Gothamist fave, and many a NJ-cum-NYer has been spotted proclaiming their intact entry into NYC. (For kicks you can tuck the real estate section of the papers in the gift...).
If your guy is not contemplating a move anytime soon, then why not trade off weekends having fun in your respective places? The two of you together can explore New Jersey, and may discover some real fun over there! At the same time, if your relationship is such that you can continue comfortably to see other people, then do indeed explore your city. If NJ-man seems to be winning out over any other, then give him and his Garden State a fair shot. Time management will be important, but if you're both committed to a relationship, you can make it happen.
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I grew up in Jersey. Ten miles outside the city, but far from any trains, so I comiserate. (And, I admit, I have that tee-shirt.)
Depending where he is in Jersey, some of the bus trips from the GW Bridge bus station (take the A to 175th St.) are faster than the buses from Port Authority. It's not too expensive either. Usually around $2, but it depends where you're going.
I'm dating someone in Toronto and it's not so bad. Just be creative, and make sure to do it a lot when you see each other. -F
Remember that it's harder to find a good companion in the first place than to keep one around no matter where they live. At least you can date on weekends, and have an option to visit some weeknights. Most long distance relationships are not that flexible.
I'm assuming you have no car, which will be a huge obstacle to getting around the Garden State. New Jersey Transit, www.njtransit.com, is pretty much the way to go, either via the PABT through the tunnel or the GWB station by the bridge. Trains also run out of Penn Station. Consider the PATH to Hoboken and hopping on a commuter train from there. Also look up the Secaucus Transfer as a way to hop on train lines directly from Penn Station rather than Hoboken.
Be wary that some train lines don't run two ways, only going into the city in the morning and back out at night for the NYC work commute and not the other way around.
Finding a train station or well-lit bus stop even as far as 10 minutes from his residence by car could be a huge help. During off hours this should be a fairly relaxed and clean commute with plenty of personal space. Door to door service may not be available, but if you're flexible about that and you know the schedules then you should have few problems.
Don't listen to anyone who hears the words "New Jersey" and goes into snot-mode. That's just bad relationship advice. If you really like someone, it doesn't matter if they're from Mars.