Brian Battjer, Downtown Playboy

The Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
I'm 27 years old and currently not working. I've been living in New York since January 2000. I grew up about 50 miles west of New York City in a suburban New Jersey town called Succasunna . I currently live in a loft on Bowery and Grand Street (in the neighborhood I'm campaigning be called "NoChiTo").

Three For Sleaze
1. You worked at Nerve.com/Spring Street Networks from the beginning and recently left. What's next for a guy who was clearly oversexed and overpaid?
What are you, from Iowa? I didn't realize there was such thing as oversexed or overpaid. As for what's next, I'm not exactly sure. I have a little bit of money saved up so I don't need to take a job immediately just for the sake of having a job. The clock is ticking, however. So in the meantime, I've been doing all sorts of stuff that I'd always swear I'd do if I had the time. I've been traveling a whole bunch, taking a lot of pictures, putting together a portfolio to try to start getting some photography gigs. Been doing some writing for TV pitches...all sorts of stuff. If nothing interesting comes along soon, I'm going to start the porn site I've been threatening to start for years. What they say about idle hands it all too true. (And if that doesn't work out, there's only one question that remains: "Would you like that super-sized?")

2. You are a karaoke addict. Have you ever considered a support group like K.A.?
Yeah, I have an admitted karaoke "problem." I love New York, but sometimes the whole social scene here where everyone's trying to be really cool (which typically involves putting everyone else down) can get really overwhelming and depressing. Karaoke is a refuge from that "I'm hiding my insecurity by being cool" bullshit. No one goes to karaoke to look cool. Everyone's there to sing and get crazy and dance and have a good time. People that go to karaoke tend to be very positive and outgoing - it's a really great environment to lose yourself in. I think everyone should go at least once a month.

3. Seriously, what's up with all those testicle photos on your site?
I don't really know what to say. To me, nuts are just inherently hilarious. Functionally, they're clearly sexual, but taken by themselves (i.e. - isolated through one's fly), they're just totally alien and silly looking - especially when juxtaposed unknowingly in the vicinity of the face of someone you love. That's just pure comedy gold. I don't know, I think it's one of those things that you either get or you don't.

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Please share a personal (and hopefully interesting) NYC taxi story.
My best NYC taxi story involves one feisty Israeli named Zion Levy. My friend Grant and I hailed his cab and gave him the address of a car rental place in midtown. He asked where we planned on driving our rental car to and when we told him Montreal he launched into a fifteen minute saga recounting an experience of his many years ago. According to Zion, when he was a young lad visiting the Jersey Shore, a busload of women from Montreal showed up and he fucked "most of them." Not one. Not a few. Most. Most of a busload.

Just when we thought it couldn't get any better, he got specific with us (the cherry on his "Liar's Sundae," if you will) and began detailing his adventures with a Montreal-mom on vacation there with her daughter who approached Zion because she wanted him to de-virginize her shy daughter. The mother helped Zion sneak into the daughter's hotel room, and then decided to join in.

What's your New York motto?
"Observe constantly that all things take place by change, and accustom thyself to consider that the nature of the universe loves nothing so much as to change things which are and to make new things like them. For everything that exists is in a manner the seed of that which will be." - Marcus Aurelius

Medication: What and how much do you take?
Kratingdaeng: 250 ML can once a day. Kratingdaeng is the original Thai version of the drink that's marketed in the states as "Red Bull." It's only available in the super-sketch Chinese market around the corner from my house. I'm not ever sure what's in it, because the ingredients are in Thai, but trust me, as my dancing legs can currently attest to, this sure as shit ain't Red Bull.

What's the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
My $80 running shoes. I'm sort of a fashion loser.

Where do you summer?
I don't "summer." People who use the word "summer" as a verb should stop beating around the bush and just ask me for a kick in the ass. Sorry. Outburst. I don't spend the majority of my summer in any one place. I like to try to take a road trip to somewhere different each weekend. I really enjoy going to different beaches. (Growing up in New Jersey, I'm especially a fan of trashy beaches.) I love going to places like Wildwood and Seaside Heights. You've got the ocean, the beach, the boardwalk, arcade games, funnel cake, hot dogs, trashy women and enough bad tattoos to keep you laughing for days. Seriously, what could be better?

Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
If I can help it, I try to avoid going out on the weekends in NYC. Friday and Saturday in Manhattan are too crowded because all the people who don't get to go out during the week end up drinking too much and smoking too much and hump too much - trying to make up for lost time I guess. It's usually a little too much for me. Chances are I'm probably at home taking it easy. Either watching a movie with a friend, working on my website (nerd), or playing a video game (shhhhh! Bigger nerd).

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
I think my favorite was also the most random. My friend Frank and his friend Antonio were playing a two-piece jazz gig at a club called Merchants uptown. A whole bunch of us showed up to see them play, and somewhere along the line, Frank (who can improve the chords to ANY SONG YOU CAN NAME) invited a few of us for some impromptu karaoke backed only by a guitar and vibraphone. Tracy Morgan (from SNL) and a few of his friends apparently overheard us singing in their nearby private room, came into the back room and asked if they could join in and sing too. It was so amazing and Tracy's a surprisingly bad-ass singer.

What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I was in LA a few weeks ago to visit my friend who recently had his TV show picked up as a pilot by a major network. It was right before the holidays and I ended up missing the holiday bustle and cold weather of NYC so much that I ended up switching my ticket and flying back three days early.