February 24, 2004
Paul Ford, Writer/Programmer
The Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
29, writer and programmer for Ftrain.com, Associate Web Editor, Harpers.org, contributor, The Morning News, commentator, NPR's All Things Considered.
Came from Pennsylvania with a laptop on my knee. Found a place in Brooklyn when I was 23.
Three for Thee
1. Last night I bumped my head and said, "Gedankenexperiment!" Then I started watching my favorite programs on Tivo while skipping the commericials. How far can the consumer go in manipulating or ignoring advertising?
The word "consumers" makes me sad for this world. Whenever someone tries to convince you of advertising's nobility, remember that word -- the industry looks at you and sees not a human, but a gobbling creature with money to spend.
And the only way to ignore advertising is to die.
I'm a huge fan of what Negativland does. They just take what they want and use it to their own ends, and turn any ensuing legal proceedings into a huge art project. One of their members has put together a movie made up of product placements in other movies, called "Value-added Cinema."
You have to do something to keep ownership of your own mind. Literally - studies show that being exposed to well-known brand names will cause a spike on an EEG. It's fair to push back when people are trying to crawl into your brain. Ads should be mercilessly mocked, cut, pasted, and vandalized. Or at least questioned--but no one wants to scare off sponsors.
Of course, I work in advertising, so I spin around and around this topic.
2. Would you be so kind as to write a political cartoon (sans cartoon) for this site? Please use the word aperient or distrait, if you'd like; your choice.
Panel 1: The president and his father are at the eye doctor's, looking at eye charts. The optometrist says, "looks fine so far."
Panel 2: The optometrist switches the chart to a map of the Middle East. Both Georges squint.
Panel 3: The optometrist says, "Here's your problem. You're both incredibly nearsighted."
Panel 4: The younger George says to older, "well, it seems distrait is inherited."
3. Right here, right now. Do your best NPR voice for me, please.
Listen
Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
It's a one way time machine, huh? Then put me back between 1880 through WWI. It was an amazing time: huge waves of immigrants, massive strikes, and Bolshevists on one side, Edith Wharton-style high society on the other, with a tremendous focus on manners. Edison is churning out inventions. Everything is new: imperialism, anti-imperialism, the tabloid press, tall buildings, recorded sound, powerful unions, anarchism, novels by Dreiser. Modern life began there.
What's your New York motto?
"Have your wallets open."
Just how much do you really love New York?
When I go elsewhere in the U.S. I'm always surprised at the casual racism and homophobia. All the stuff about towelheads, faggots, them, is just a natural part of conversation out there. Most New Yorkers seem to know better and try a little harder. When I come into LaGuardia or get out at Penn Station, I feel physically relieved to see all the different people. That's how I know I'm home.
Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
One of my best friends is Steve Burns, who used to be on Nickelodeon's Blue's Clues. He's the only person I know who had a doll made in his likeness. We've known each other for years.
After he quit Blue's Clues, he wanted to be an indie rocker, and made an album with the help of several members of the Flaming Lips. This sort of crossover has not worked out well for people in the past -- think Corey Feldman, or William Shatner. So he asked me to help him re-invent himself, and we sat down and strategized, wrote a web site, and came up with some talking points. It took months to really get it right, a lot of debate. In the end, I was capable of being Steve, which we used to good effect--take a look at this "interview" at The Morning News -- I wrote that entire thing, went to his place, took the photos, and emailed it to him for comments when I was done.
For the most part, the media did exactly as we asked, like well-behaved dogs. It was beautiful to watch those ideas spread out. Newspapers around the country, TV, Newsweek, blogs, online message boards, everywhere. Sometimes they'd rewrite the press releases, or adapt content from the web site, but usually they just yanked the language as-is and threw in an intro graf. Entirely on our schedule, they made Steve an underdog, then jumped to defend him from critics and naysayers. We loved that, because there were no critics or naysayers of note. Of course, it helped that the album was pretty good.
Since the album, Songs for Dustmites, came out, it's all been on him, and he's been on tour opening for the Flaming Lips. I'm mostly out of the process, and it's been great to watch. But when the album came out last year on August 12, my answering machine had this 9-word message on it from Steve: "I want to thank you for making me cool." A moment of deep professional and personal pride.
This is definitely not to say that he's actually cool. But it's an amazing illusion, thanks to the sheeple in the media.
Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
I have an incredibly amazing, exciting life, which doesn't involve sitting around my apartment, writing advertisements on deadline, reading up on new XML-related technologies, and heating up food from cans. But in order to stave off jealousy, let's lie and say that's what I'm up to.
Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
All of the clerks at bodegas. They dispense cigarettes, soup, sandwiches, sex enhancers, birth control, and coffee without judgment. Without them we would die.
If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
Eternal unlimited Metrocards for everyone. And while I have this power, I'd also like public toilets, more open places for people to meet, and the total elimination of Barnes and Noble.
The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
It's going to be really hard to find beer, like during the blackout, so while everyone else holds each other and begs God for redemption, I'd hit the store. If I had to spend the last day alone, I'd get a huge book I've been meaning to read, like The Tunnel by William Gass, and see if I could get through it before everything ended, taking a break to watch Dan Rather cry. If I wasn't alone, I'd try to spend my last 24 hours the way I usually spend my spare time: sex, crying, and looting.
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Paul, please make me cool.
Doc, you are already so awesome--I don't even have an angle, but you have a quadrangle. How can I give you advice?
Dogs, the media are a pack of dogs? I feel an overwhelming urge to defend my profession! You know it's one thing for me not to respect the complacency and mind-numbing conformity of journalism but I've never thought of myself as a dog.
Many, many people in mass media are very, very lazy. (Me too, unless I have a good editor whipping me. I've written some generic, sloppy pieces along the way, especially about finance.) I think the problem isn't so much bad journalists as bad, bad editors who gave up years ago. They just want to fill column inches, and since PR folks will do it for them, they don't push their writers to get a story.
this is probably in poor taste since as the interviewer, i shouldn't gush about the person being featured but i didn't know of paul at all before someone suggested i interview him. browse through his ftrain.com and i dare you not to leave feeling like a mental midget. also, he provided a fuckin' audio file of his NPR voice! i've re-done the calculations a million times, it's mathematically impossible to be cooler than paul ford.
Unfortunately the meda is a product, just like everything else. One journalist doing three journalist's jobs so Newsltd can make its $70m profit. Even editors can only do so much. It always helps when you've got PR people doing the work for you - especially when they know how to play the media game.
And I've spent a little time with ftrain. I'm fully aware, now, what a mental midget I am...
I love this nugget - taken completely out of context - from ftrain.
It is Paul Ford's 'perfect paragraph':
I gave Jesus some good Brooklyn sex. "Great head," he said. "But am I insurance for the ill religion?"
"Its Christmas," I said. "We are always trying."
http://www.ftrain.com/archive_subway_19980112.html
P-Fo keeps it on the Down Lo,
but he got a bootie like J-Lo.
X to the S to the L to the T:
Semantic web-dog's a loyal homie.
He's brand-core at Core Brand,
An Ftrain ridin' Amish farm hand.
We got to get back to Brooklyn, yo,
to rock the mic with the man, P-Fo.
while all you jack-offs are wetting yourself over this interview feature -- which has about as much originality in it as a photocopied green card -- i'm out working making a difference. why don't you interview some real people: journalists, boy scouts, union organizers. I'd come back then. until i see a spine and conscience on this blog, i'm staying away from you jellyfish.
Numer 1 Fan, you really let the shit hit it, didn't ya? but i respect that. take us to task but perhaps you would like to be interviewed? we could use some "difference makers."
but i won't have you bad-mouthing paul ford. actually, you can bad mouth him all you want but let's get the facts straight first. he *assured* me before the interview he is a vertebrate. paul, are you there? speak up! do you even have opposable thumbs??
Number 1 Fan, that sucked. I'm sort of suspicious that you're just pulling a chain. "Journalists, boy scouts, union organizers." Come now.
Here's a good piece of hate mail to use as a model for future attempts. It's not the best I've ever received, but it's in the top 10. Bask in its elegance and DO BETTER.
To Tom Ford:
Regarding your piece on Nov. 24: God forgive me. I never, ever swear. But really....Fuck You. Sincerely and most emphatically...Fuck You. Bend over and maybe one of your finansneers will let you feel their magic real deep inside .
Notice the excellence: name is wrong, sodomy is threatened, bad puns, total release of rage. The next one, one of my true favorites, came after Ftrain was linked on a MSN web page, and the reader felt that I hadn't deserved that honor.
Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002 15:03:47 -0500
From: "Kimberly K
ok, the gauntlet has been thrown and i'll be the first to step up. i am uniquely qualified to criticize his work since i spent all of fifteen minutes researching his site before coming up with questions. here goes nothing...
Mr. Fjord, this is copied from your About page:
"Ftrain.com is a a collection of interlinked pages, with text, graphics, and links to other digitally encoded media objects."
First, why are there two a's before collection? Right off the bat you completely invalidate your site as having ANY redeeming literary value. Second, I’m not so sure "collection" is even really the proper word – it's a fuckin mess!! You know, I might not be the brightest bulb in the dive bar bathroom where I do my cocaine but the usability of this site ranks next to an Iraqi weapons manual to me. For someone who is SO concerned with taxonomy and design it feels like you're just posturing or worse, being "arty." It flows with all the evenness and regularity of my grandmother's monthly discharges. (BTW, I *think* she's dead.) But congratulations, really. You've created the digital equivalent of your fantasy: "sitting alone in a tent in a field of open white, buried in snow, with canvas walls and thermal underwear, invisible to airlines, surviving on beef jerky and reading books."
Andrew, that was pretty good, but you might have gone for the subtle dig to make it truly sing out. Something like, "I know you're an 'unpublished web writer,' but that's no excuse not to take writing seriously." Those nettle far more than the outright slams.
And God, Ftrain is a 7-year mess. I'm my own worst user of the programs I write. Harpers.org is much better-structured, however. So I can do it, but it's willpower.
the usability of your butt is subpar and you should be flushed.
I'm so glad that via the Interviews, krucoff gets to crush on Paul all he wants!
It has been said by many that I closely resemble Steve from Blue's Clues. I also play a mean viola. Maybe I can join the band?
BY the way, fantastic NPR voice. I wish I could sound so good.
So, Paul, what's the secret to becoming a commentator for NPR (besides the obvious vocal inflection and writing skills)?
re: ftrain organization;
if you have ever seen fucko's apartment,
you would understand what a genius job
he has done with the website (and
harper's). if you have not seen his
apartment, just write ``lincoln bedroom
fund'' in the memo of your cheque, or use
the special paypal routing number.
(note: you will be required to bring your own
budgie lube. try the Squak Sav-r Ultra.)
I diligently came here to cry havoc and let slip the chickens of war on the good Mr Ford, as requested, but my heart's not in it.
So I'm going to do a little dance instead. Look at me, I'm dancin'!
Dear Paul,
The back hob that's been on all night but dangerously still looks cold, end of a cigarette, centre of the sun, a big .45 slung not-quite-inconspicuously under an armpit, white white sand by a blue blue sea, just before it turns into glass, canteen ovens, bakeries, sauna, matches.
yours, etc.
oh I do apologise. I thought we were discussing heat mail.
I'll see myself out.
Psh. The ones at the top get shot at the most. Paul is deserving of all accolades but too humble to accept them.
Just curious; what's the problem with Barnes & Noble?
Dear Mr. Ford,
Your website sucks. I cant find anything and when i do it is unreadable and when it is readable it is narcisssitic and when it is not it is just boring. Who care about your stoopid addictions and your problems? The Internet is not a substitute for therapy, Get a cat & stick to posting cat picturez.
BTW, your fetish with the Semantic WEb is just an excuse not to organise your thoughts hierarchicly, as God intended.
please unsubscribe me from yoru website. thanks
The aforementioned press release?
PAL FORB!!! HOW DAR YOU INVADE MYU LIFE!
yotu stuo[pide websuite angers me so much i just want to snmash my computer! what kind of stupid person uses a stolen logo (you theife@!!) of a person with three arms! everyone knows peopl havbe two arms, except m,auybe ypu liberal pantywaists at NPR. it's outrages thayt our tax dollars afre being spent on the kind of moron who can't get over his childhood obesession with Blues Clues!
thiws isx eactly why th e internet should hacve protections -- so stupid people like you don't litter your mindless wonderings on the iside fo the informewaation supehighway. it['ws outrzgfes that someone like you can use this netywrok for your balbbings
Paul goes for sheer quantity. He's like a National Geopraphic photographer who shoots 300 rolls of film per assignment. And, like the guy at national geographic, Paul will often go for nudity and obscenity as a cheap means of getting attention. The difference is that Paul publishes all ten thousand prints and leaves the reader to find the gems. So he is pretty unique among the world of self-styled writers. I find his big brown filing cabinet to be more interesting than the giant fire hazard of paper it houses.
And another thing: what happened to the squirrel?
All right. To summarize:
I accept all criticism humbly and gratefully, in the spirit in which it was intended.
Let's not talk about the squirrel.
My mom wants me to walk my cat on a leash.
The way to get on NPR is to write a web site for 6 years and wait until, one day, they call you and ask you to write a piece.
No snakes have arms.
Barnes & Noble turns reading into a commodified experience, w/focus on volume selling. It makes me itchy in their stores, and with all they have, they still never have what I want, nor do they have things that I didn't know I wanted but turn out to want. It is a serendipity-proof book chain.
Stravros is a fine dancer.
In the future: more cat pictures, less semantic web.
The nature of my relationship with Krucoff is not really open to discussion.
I thank you for your gracious feedback and willingness to engage in conversation regarding my work and person.
Paul Edmund
Paul,
Point taken. Though how cool can I be? I just sit here most days rubbing myself to the cat pictures you post. Do you take requests? I’m willing to pay. I'm interested in something where the cat's dressed like Father Freud. Or my mother. I’ll send a picture. Although that leash sounds rather nice or a cat caught in one of those semantic web thingies. I’ll eagerly await to hear from you.
Lustfully,
Doc
I'm frightened....Someone hold me.
I'll hold you Amber...will you wear a catsuit?
Mr Ford writes a website of some interest. His prose is expert, his borderlessness of subject matter captivating, his love of computing boring, and the organization of his site is initially fascinating but ultimately inelegant. Yet he is to be commended for his innovative approach to organizing information.
Mr Ford's sense of humor is strong but in some pieces he seems about to collapse from the sheer mass of ironic posturing that probably just comes with being young and clever.
Every now and again, I read something on his pages that makes me envious, and for this reason I wish Mr Ford every future success (followed, presumably, by a relatively painless death in the distant future, surrounded by his grandchildren, etc).
Of course I will Doc. Just make sure to pet.
Paul,
Sit on a tack, you even-fatter-than-me Linuxfucker.
Love,
m@