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Upon first looking at this list of 50 ways to fix the movies, you might think, anybody could have thought of it. But that's the brilliance - it's what we all think. And leave it to two Canadians to put it to paper in the Toronto Star. Gothamist heartily agrees with many entries, especially these:
9 Roger Ebert and his new sidekick Richard Roeper should be required to wear condoms on their thumbs. They've become way too promiscuous about the films they jerk skyward for.
13 Drunks should be seen in films as obnoxious and slobbering as they are in real life, not as barroom wits or street sages.
28 Now that gay marriage is legal and all, have Frodo marry his adoring sidekick Sam atop Mt. Doom, in the final instalment of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy. All this heavy breathing is driving us crazy
33 Please give Samuel L. Jackson a job other than playing the tough-as-nails veteran cop/soldier/jedi looking to recruit a few crazed young'uns for a suicide mission.
39 Tell Edward Burns he can no longer make or star in a movie in which he plays the know-it-all New Yorker who gets the girl despite his own lousy personality.
40 Only cast Tom Cruise opposite women way taller than him. It's a blast to watch.
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i can't deal this is so funny.
there are so many good points on this list but these are my favorites:
(25) Place warnings on movie posters and advertising we can really use. Like "Computer-Generated Cheese Content," or "May Contain Traces Of Madonna," or "Dangerous if Consumed Under the Influence of Thought."
(29) Institute a "Kevin Spacey Clause" for Oscar recipients. If winners unleash more than four dogs subsequent to their awards, they must return them. On TV, during the awards.
(45) Men over 55 in movies should not: Beat the bejeezus out of people half their age. Have sex with people half their age. Show us their butts. Speak street jive. Play anything other than men over 55.
Height is so weirdly distorted in the movies. Obviously, Tom Cruise is a midget and film makers go to great lengths to make him seem normal height. Ditto Edward Burns - he looked gigantic in Saving Private Ryan - just seemed a really big, solid guy. A few months after seeing the movie, I was behind him in line at the Banana Republic on Prince St. He's 6'1", 170 lbs, absolutely tops. It's disturbing.
You know what they say - the camera adds 10 pounds. Then the joke on Friends, re: the fat Monica, was "How many cameras were on you?" Anyway, I hate Ed Burns. So annoying.
The camera also does weird things with how people look. Like some very beautiful people on film look freakish in person.
"Speak street jive."
hahaahahahaah!!!!
i love this list
amen on ed burns. yet another case of utter mediocrity rising to the top. it brings down my estimation of christy turnlington to know that she's dating him. in any case, 6'1 is HUGE for an actor. tom cruise, whom i've actually met, is extremely wee. shorter than me, and i'm 5'6. he stands on a box in most shots. think about how you never see the man's feet on screen unless he's alone. nicole kidman (they were accepting an award from my college) is gorgeous, reed-thin, and also not very tall--at least not as tall as they'd have you believe in the rag mags--maybe 5'7.
About a year and a half ago, Joaquin Phoenix was shooting something in the studio one over from ours. "Gladiator"-cut or not, tiny tiny J.P. runs about 5'5" and can't possibly top a buck-thirty.
One thing about Tom Cruise - "they" say he's gay, but if so he really picks impressive women to serve beard duty. Mimi Rogers and Rebecca DeMornay are both reputed to be unusually intelligent versus the median for Hollywood eye candy. And they ain't bad looking, either.
How about banning the ever unrealistic way movies show people who have just had sex together and then show the woman with the bedsheet tucked ever so neatly under her arms as to make sure not to reveal her breasts? I Mean really, does this ever happen to anyone of you in real life? or the shoot of then man getting up from the bed and rapidly grabbing the sheet to use as a sarong or he jumps out and grabs his pants which he then proceeds to slip on very fast so that the camera man will not see his buttocks or his penis. And the ever stupid
post-sex scene where the woman still has her bra on!! Huh?
i think this is a bit gawkerish, but i have to report that i saw nicole kidman last night at "matt & ben" (which by the way, you should see). i thought nicole was so tall and very beautiful and very skinny. model-like thin and luminous skin. she looked moulin rouge good and i have no clue how she ever stood next to tom cruise if he is that wee without looking like a giraffe or something. did he always wear lifts? i heard that she said she could never wear heels with him but even barefoot she must have towered oevr him.
Thanks, Sophie - was thinking about seeing Matt & Ben this weekend. I think movie stars seem taller than they are because some know how to carry themselves and they are also pretty thin.
salam