Queer Eye For the Straight Guy: Which Fag To Hag

The Fab Five; Photo - Bravo/NBC

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy premiered Tuesday night and it was just as good as Gothamist had hoped: A pack of gay men terrorizing a straight man into cleaning himself and his lifestyle in order to jumpstart his life, by way of clothes, accessories, styling products, gourmet food, and etiquette, and a healthy dose of bitchy remarks - love it.

Since Toby at vividblurry has already elegantly laid out the inspiring Fab Five Fuckability Guide, all Gothamist can do is submit Which Fag Should Women Hag? . Yes, the gay man, the only thing that can turn your average gal into a bona fide fag hag, an important step in any New York City Girl's life. A well-behaved escort, knowledgeable, witty, appropriately catty, and great fun for shopping... Whether it's Stanford, Jack, or Waldo Lydecker...well, maybe not Waldo Lydecker. Maybe someone suave like Rupert Everett or fun like Alan Cumming. So using, "Which Fag Would Jen Hag" as the base model (Jen's foibles, selfish demands and whiny needs taken into account), Gothamist rate the Fab Five Fags thusly:

Jai: He's super cute and earnest, and he'd probably be up for going to the really new places in less gay-gay areas (Lower East Side...Brooklyn...). However, he's so young, his advice, while enthusiastic, would not be as wise and learned. In fact, Jai might have a lot of drama himself, getting involved with the wrong man, etc...if you're a selfish hag, Jai might not shower you with the attention you want when he starts making eyes with the strapping guy across the room.
Sex and the City hag Jai would fag: Samantha, when she wanted to be the knowing sex goddess or just feel young by going out with

Kyan: No two ways about it - he's stunning to both sexes, gay and straight. While totally wonderful to look at and great for some beauty tips and a scalp massage, it's possible that women would start to feel resentful because (1) straight men would be mesmerized by him and (2) it would get very depressing to spend so much time next to a guy you're so attracted to and realize that you can never ever have him, even if you were gay because you wouldn't be pretty/hot enough for him... Next!
Sex and the City hag Kyan would fag: Samantha, because she would not be intimidated, and Carrie, because she's as high maintenance

Carson: Girlfriend could probably transform the ugliest duckling into at least a decent mallard with just a change of clothes, but his honesty might be too bracing. It would be like having your mother visit. Which is not to say he wouldn't be great for a brunch-and-shopping date and for telling it like it is.
Sex and the City hag Carson would fag: Carrie, because they both screech and have tendencies to be fashion victims

Ted: Ted's humor is pretty dry, he's pretty erudite, which makes him the thinking girl's fag. He'd be quick to calm a girl down, while suggesting the right wine to drown the worries away in. The problem would then be, slightly similar to the Kyan dilemma, is, why can't Ted be straight? Ted is approachable, attractive but not too attractive, terribly smart and witty...becoming perhaps too high a benchmark for straight men to try to meet.
Sex and the City hag Ted would fag: Miranda, because they are both droll, smart, understated yet very effective

Thom: Thom is another quieter personality. His success with his unerring eye in design leads him to make decisions very calmly and effortlessly, with minimum fuss. But when freaked out, he can get a little queeny, which might helpfully make any girl feel more in control than she really is.
Sex and the City hag Thom would fag: Charlotte, because he's so tasteful

Overall analysis: It's clear that a hag not only needs a fag for companionship but for a kick in the pants as well, so sometimes it's best to go with a more opposing personality. Therefore, Gothamist would try to hag all the fags (except for Kyan and don't feel bad for him - the last thing he needs is a hag, we're sure...but he is a personal grooming expert so...) but with different needs and purposes in mind. Jai would be great to party with till morning, while Thom would rearrange your room so you wouldn't trip on the way to the bathroom, Ted would whip you up a hangover breakfast, Kyan could liven up your icky vodka-infused appearance and Carson would have secretly called your ex-boyfriend (his number's still programmed in your cell) who was at the party and the reason you got so drunk in the first place and balled him out. Augh - it's true, they are the Fab Five.

Contact the author of this article or email tips@gothamist.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By Jen Chung in Arts and Events on July 17, 2003 11:00 AM

Comments [rss]

Patricia

Keep up the good work I really enjoy what you do.

You guys are amazing.

ali connelly

i loved the show and cried at some of carsons more extravagant remarks. You will call me patty duke because i am the miracle worker. the lads really did a lot with the two men i saw featured. Butch was hot when they were done. amazing what a sshave and hair cut can do

Choire

I'm ready for the show where punchy and giddy Jewish and Asian girls fix up dilapidated methed-out Chelsea fag's sorry lives.

Hagger Upper, or: Galpal Makeover.

Jen

I think Ted would be a good friend, period, versus fag to hag. When I hag, I like my fags to be slightly hysterical and crazy - the kind of fag will jump for the cab first and leave you standing there in the East Village alone in the middle of the night...wait, am I talking about a straight boy I dated? No, it was a (very good) gay friend. Sort of funny, because I thought the nice thing to do would be to make sure the girl is safely in a cab, but I think that's what he thought he was doing.

JJBHL

Ralph, that's what exactly Butch in Epi. 101 thought! You should see the guy now.

JJBHL

Well, Manor House, tho' overlooked by Emmy, can get pretty randy, luv. Not to mention that 2-hour special about the last lesbian bar in S.F.

Maybe the Tivo is unclear on your preferred key words? "Motorcycles, sports, guns, and going down on other women seems" seems pretty explicit to me.

; )

Ralph Lipshitz

Okay, I didn't see the show (stupid Cablevision and their complete lack of customer service) but I have to say, they all look ridiculous in the picture with this article. Except the one all the way on the left. I mean, come on you expect us straight guys to take fashion advice from that dude in the middle with the day-glo yellow jacket, pink shirt, and ripped jeans. The only reason a guy should ever be wearing ripped jeans is if his powersaw got away from him.

eli

Hmm, in that case maybe I should stop watching so much PBS.

JJBHL

Girl on girl action? It's all over the tube. See major networks, reality shows: Boarding House, Big Brother IV, etc.

To you point, it might be entertaining to see Paris and Nicky made over by Paula Poundstone or KD Lang.

eli

Why can't regular women be more like lesbians: into motorcycles, sports, guns, and going down on other women? I think we need a makeover show like that, instead of this dreck. Maybe that's an idea for TNN...

DodgeThis

I really enjoyed the show it was entertaining. Jen, I dont know if you remember but I asked you why they have to be gay and you said,"gay = interesting", you were right. I think im a fag hag too now.

JJBHL

That's Gothamist, always on the ball with the timely surveys.

I'm going to have to go with Ted. When he came up w/ those lavash pizzas for Butch that looked just like Butch's nail-art mural, I nearly choked on my mojito.

But I have to tell you, most gals I know are all, Why would I sit down and watch Bravo when I can get more live, full-color action than I can bear right on 8th Ave...

Kyan's too pretty, sucks in his cheeks more often than Cher and pushes the products way too hard.

I think, like you suggest, Carson's true capacity for cruelty has yet to be revealed. I imagine some deft editor is saving his excessive bitchiness for a QEFTSG uncensored.

Jai teaching Butch to be flighty and insincere at his own gallery opening was tragic.

Thom banning the kiddie toys to the yard was merciless.

I can't wait for episode 103!